


I'm Here

by apricotcentral



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Modern AU, Slow Burn, TW meds, characters designs are based on post timeskip, i might add more relationships i did not decide yet, jean is kinda ooc too this is my first fic oops, lowkey projecting onto jean but thats a coversation for another time, this is self indulgent, tw anxiety, tw death and grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:35:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 39,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28101036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apricotcentral/pseuds/apricotcentral
Summary: Jean Kirstein is a college student who was having the time of his life with his friends until his best friend, Marco Bott is killed in a car crash and Jean blames himself for his death. This leads to him slipping more mentally and academically until his professor reccomends he see's a popular tutor, Armin Arlert, to help raise the grade in his class.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein, Sasha Blouse/Nicolo, jearmin
Comments: 110
Kudos: 120





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Before you start I just want to let you know this was written on computer, so the formatting might be a bit off on phone. I hope you enjoy!

Everything around me is white, my head throbs due to the sudden exposure. I look around for any clue while I’m in this weird place when I see something out of the corner of my eye. He’s standing right there. I can see him, his black hair, his freckles, he’s smiling at me. Marco. I can reach out to him, I need to reach out to him. I need to talk to him. I raise my arm up and try to take a hold of his shoulder but as soon as I get close he’s gone. I blink, tears wet in my eyes. He's further away now. I attempted to walk towards him once more, my arm raised in anticipation. I hear cars all around me, despite the white still taking over everything in my vision. When I finally get to where he is, he’s gone again, now even further than he was before. I run. I need to talk to him. I run for what feels like hours, my legs sting, but he’s still out of reach.

“Marco!” I yell towards him, desperate to get a response. He turns, except he’s no himself. Half of his face and body is gone, the other half of his face in tears. High beams show up behind him and a large honk shrieks.

_“Jean, why did you kill me?”_

My alarm clock blares in my ear. My breath is raging. Another one of those dreams. I touch my hand to my forehead only for me to find it drenched in sweat. I squeeze my eyes close and and rest my hands over them, trying to calm down my breathing.

“Turn that off man!” I turn my head to see my roommate, Connie, bashing a pillow over his head and covering his ears. “I was up late last night playing games with Sasha.” I make an effort to turn over and tap the power button on my phone, silencing the alarm. I turn back onto my back and study the ceiling, inhaling a deep breath, finally calming down my nerves.

“Did you have the dream again?” I look over to see Connie sitting up now, with a serious look on his face.

“Yea,” I sadly smile, looking down towards my feet. “How could you tell?”

“You didn’t respond with a dumb ass comment when I told you to turn the alarm off.”

I roll my eyes at him then force myself up and check my phone. 8:54. I stare at the phone trying to search my brain for what time I have to get up. What time did Mr. Smith say we had to be at the lecture today? 9:00? Yea that’s it! I make a mental note to pat myself on the back for that later. Wait. My eyes go wide, “Shit!” I yell, jumping up and practically running to the bathroom. I practically break the wall while grabbing my tooth brush and at the same time I start filling a cup for my meds. I spit out the toothpaste and down the pill in one big gulp. I take my hand and start running my fingers through my hair to smooth it down. I take a final look in the mirror. I don’t look great. My eyes look sunken in, and the eye bags beneath them are a dark purple. My hair, although I did brush through it, looks messy. I haven’t gotten it cut in a while, it falls down my neck. I haven’t shaved in a while either, my beard getting a bit longer than my liking. I can imagine Marco telling me I look great no matter what. He would help me fix myself up. He would be there for me. I can see him brushing through my hair, I can feel his lips-

My head starts spinning and my breaths start getting ragged again. My chest gets tighter and a lump in my throat grows quick. Not now. I run out the bathroom and grab my bag, taking one last look at Connie before I go, only to see him sound asleep once more. I take a breath of relief that he was able to go back to bed, and make a beeline to the other side of campus.

____________________________________________________________________

I jump into the history room just as the bell rings, my chest heaving and me panting. I can sense all the eyes on me and awkwardly go and take a seat towards the back of the class. I can see Mr. Smith at his desk, getting his notes ready so I take out my computer ready to take notes in return. I start listening with all my might, determined to understand what we are working on, until I find myself drifting. My eyes wander over to the wall, to the other people below me, anything but Mr. Smith. I notice the grooves on the seats, all the little cracks in the ceiling, the sound of the clock ticking on the wall….

“That’s it for today.” I snap back and hear Mr. Smith. “Remember to turn in your papers by 12:00 tonight.” I hear the murmurs of everybody start to talk as they get up and leave. Pretty soon, I am the only student left in class. I gulp and make my way over to my professor.

He’s sitting at his desk, presumably grading papers while he adjusts his tie around his neck.

“Excuse me, sir,” I manage to get out. I wait a bit until his eyes reach mine. “Could I have an extension on the essay?”

“Jean,” He starts. “You do know your grade is slipping in this class, correct?” I barely get in a nod before he starts speaking again. “If you don’t start getting your grades up, you will fail this class.”

My heart sinks. I can’t fail this class, I was only able to get in because my mom had saved up all her funds. I can’t disappoint her like this. Not after what I've put her through in the past few years.

“I recommend you get a tutor.” A tutor? I don’t think I need one of those, I can do this myself. He clears his throat then looks at me again, “I can give you the number of a very prominent tutor who has helped many of my students in the past. He’s even a freshman, just like you.”

I swallow the bump once again making its way into my throat. “No thank you, sir. I can do this one my own.”

His eyes look straight into my own, his mouth frowning. “Okay, Jean,” He sighs. “I will be looking forward to your essay due tomorrow.” As if he can see the impending doom on my face, he starts to laugh. “Just as I thought. Here, take the boys number, his name is Armin Arlert.” He scribbles the number down on a yellow sticky note and hands it to me. “And about that essay, I will look forward to it on Monday.” He smiles at me and waves me off.

___________________________________________________________________

“He recommended you a tutor?” Connie yells over at me while he and Sasha play video games.

“More like forcing me to or else he is gonna fail me. Do you think this guy is as good as he says?”

“Niccolo said he really helped him!” Sasha exclaims in between shoving potato chips in her mouth. She blushes slightly, “He said he was failing biology until Armin helped him out!”

Connie smirks, “Makes sense, all the guy knows is how to cook.” Sasha hits him on the head, a potato chip hanging out of her mouth, as he laughs. “You guys sure are perfect for eachother, huh?” I notice Connie has a slight frown on his lips, but Sasha doesn’t seem to catch it.

I take a deep breath and look up, closing my eyes. Do I really need a tutor to do this? I’m sure I could manage fine on my own. Marco could have helped me-

“Yo Jean!” Sasha screams at me. “Are you gonna call him or what?”

“Yea, of course I am!” I say, feigning confidence. “I doubt he will be able to help me though. I know all of the stuff from class.” Lie. I grab my phone and start walking towards the door. “I’m gonna sit outside and contact him. I’ll see you guys in a bit.” I wave to them both and watch as Sasha wins and triumphs in victory while Connie slouches.

I make my way out the door and walk out the steps to the courtyard. I shiver at the cool September weather and make my way over to a bench. I take my phone out and hover over the call button. Why am I nervous about this? It will probably be one session to write my essay then it's over with, I just need to get through this.

_“I can help you with your work you know, Jean” Marco looks up at me excitedly. I feel my heart beat and blood rush up to my face._

_“I know,” I sputter out. “I just know I can do it by myself.”_

_Marco pouts. “There’s nothing wrong with asking for help you know. It will be fun! Like I’m your very own tutor.”_

My heart jumps and I shiver. I can feel my throat clogging up and sweat beading down my face. He was my tutor. My breath shortens and I grab my sides, not being able to stop what’s coming. My whole body starts shaking and tears well up in my eyes. Why did I kill him-

“Hey, are you alright?”

I look up to see a boy standing there, blurry from the tears in my eyes. I wipe them away and quickly look away from embarrassment.

“It’s okay you know. Everybody cries.” He takes a seat down in the open space next to me. “I used to cry all the time when I was younger. I always felt I was a burden.” I feel him put his legs up and sit in a criss cross position. “You slowly learn that there’s nothing wrong with it, you're just letting out your emotions instead of keeping them bottled in.

I finally look up and take a look at him. He has blond hair cut above his ears, bangs hanging in his face. His eyes are a bright blue that almost look too big for his face, same with his eyebrows. He smiles at me.

“Y-yea.” I finally responded. “I’m alright.” He stands up and I notice he's quite short, at least a couple inches smaller than me. He picks up a pile of books and holds his hand out to me.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Armin Arlert.”


	2. Chapter 2

“A-armin Arlert?” I stutter. This is the guy, huh? Not the great first meeting that I hoped for. “The tutor?”

“Ah ha yea.” He lets out a quiet laugh as a bright red color shows up on his ears. I feel my heart start calming and slowly take my arms off my sides to rest them on my legs. “That is what I’m known for. 

I take his hand and grip it. “My name is Jean Kirstein, freshman.”

“I’m a freshman as well!” He beams with a large smile on his face. “What’s your major?”

“I’m undecided.” A wave of embarrassment hits me. There’s some part of me that doesn’t want this guy to look down on me. I instinctively look down, hoping he doesn’t think badly of me now. 

He gently kicks my shoe. “Do you have any idea what you wanna do?” 

My mind runs for an answer. “History.” I spit out. Mr. Smith sure would be proud of me right now. “I am thinking about majoring in history.” 

He smiles at me again, putting me at complete ease. “I love history. I’m an oceanography major, but I’ve always had an interest in history too.” 

“Yea,” Now’s my chance. “I actually have an essay I’m writing for history right now due soon.”

“Oh?” He looks actually interested in what I’m saying. “What are you writing it about?” 

“That’s my problem. I have no idea.” 

He tenses up and closes his eyes for a bit, like he’s deciding something. He takes out a slip of paper and a pen from his pocket then scribbles something down, almost mirroring exactly what Mr. Smith did. “Here,” He hands me the piece of paper. “That’s my number. I’m free tomorrow at one, we can meet at the school library. I would love to help you, there’s nothing wrong with asking for help you know.” 

_______________________________________________________________________

I walk into the dorm to see Connie and Sasha both now sprawled out of the floor, both eating crackers. The sound of me walking in seems to alert them, and they both jolt up quickly. 

“Yo! How did it go?” Connie asks, while Sasha slowly takes the cracker from his hand. 

“Well I got his number.” 

“Didn’t you have his number the whole time? From your professor?”

“Yea well funny story. I actually ran into him outside and he gave me his number himself. We are supposed to meet at the library tomorrow.” 

Sasha grins, “Like a date?” 

I go over and flick her on the head and watch as she makes a dramatic scene and falls to the floor. “No you idiot!” My face gets hot. “Just to help with my history paper. After that I never have to see him again.” I fall onto my bed and turn my head to see them. The last time I’ll see him…

“You know,” Connie starts. “It might be good if you keep seeing him to help you. He could help you get all your work done so you never have a grade issue again.”

My eyes twitch, and I switch my arms to rest on the back on my head. “I can do it myself. This is just for the essay.” 

“Is this about Marco?” I immediately jerk up and look at Connie, who has the same look on his face he did this morning. “You know he would want you to make more friends.” I don’t answer. I don’t know what to say. Marco would… would he want me to move on? 

_ I sit on my bed, staring out the window, watching snow fall slowly from the sky. As far as I can see, the ground is covered in white snow. The icicles stretch off the tree branches, creating a sharp edge at the end of each one. The snowflakes fly all around, all having a unique design, only to fall into the pile of snow never to be seen again. It’s almost pitiful.  _

_ “Jean?” I look at the door to see Marco walking in, he comes closer and takes a seat towards the edge of my bed. His brown eyes are gentle and fixed right on mine. He brings his hand to my leg and rests it there, the warmth of his hands travels all through my body, thawing my cold body. “Connie said he’s going to meet Sasha and Niccolo at two. Do you wanna go?” _

_ “Where are they going again?” I ask, distracted by his face.  _

_ “Ice skating! It will be fun! We can get hot cocoa after!”  _

_ “Okay,” I say reluctantly. “But only because of the hot cocoa.” He makes a pumping motion with his hands and grabs me in for a hug. I let my head borrow into him and slow my breathing. My arms wrap around him and I grab hold of him tighter. I want to stay like this forever, with him in my arms and me in his. My stomach starts doing loops. This isn’t right… somethings wrong. _

_ “Marco?” I ask still in his arms but he doesn't answer. I pull myself from him and look at him.  _

_ “Jean.” His face is disfigured, and there's a hole where the right side of his body would be. I tense up, and the tears start streaming from my eyes. I try to speak, and talk to him, but no words come out. “It’s your fault.”  _

My eyes jot open and my body propels itself up in a hot sweat. I feel around my bed until I find my phone and turn it on, my eyes hurting from the sudden light in the dark room.  _ 3:24,  _ I must have fallen asleep and not realized it. I force my body up and take quiet steps into the bathroom, careful not to wake Connie who is passed out. I shut the door to the bathroom and ease up against it. I take deep breaths, trying to bring back some composure, but all that comes out is ragged gasps. Eventually, I’m able to force myself to get up and turn on the light, examining my face in the mirror. I look like shit. My eyebags are even more prominent than this morning, and my face is flushed. My hair is a mess and greasy to the touch. I splash some water on my face and rub my eyes with my knuckles. I feel disgusting, my shirt is sticking to my body. I turn on the knob to the shower and step in, letting the water run all over my body. My hands raise without a thought and cover my ears as I close my eyes, and only listen to the sound of running water. 

“Jean? Are you in the bathroom?”

My ears perk up and I peek my head outside of the shower curtain. “Yea,” I yell out. “Sorry if I woke you.” I jump out and take the towel that was lying on a rack, drying my body as much as I could. I take a step out of the bathroom, ready to put on clothes, just to see Connie standing there with his arms crossed. 

“Jean,” He starts, “Why are you awake right now?” 

I consider lying, but I know Connie will see right through it. I look down to him, “It was just another nightmare, but don’t worry about me, I’m fine now.” 

“Cut the crap!” Connie starts yelling, making me jump. “Jean I just want to help you but you never let me. I was there that day. I don’t know what Marco was to you, but I know how you feel. It was just as traumatic for me!” 

I stand there speechless, not sure how to respond. Have I been making Connie feel bad this whole time? Was my best friend in pain and I didn’t even notice? What kind of friend am I? “It was a dream of that day,” I blurt out, seeing Connie raise his eyes up to mine. “He always tells me it’s my fault.” Connie looks speechless, like he doesn’t know what to say, although I’m not sure I want him to say anything. “I don’t want you to worry about me. I will feel better about myself if I know that you aren’t affected by my actions.” 

Connie bits his lip, and I see his eyes slightly start to water up. He swallows, “There’s one thing that is bothering me, and it's the fact you are naked.” My face gets hot, suddenly aware of the fact that all I have to cover me is a towel. “Get some sleep, man. I’m always around if you need someone to talk to.” He slightly raises his voice, “And next time? Wake me up instead of making yourself suffer alone.” 

I nod to him, hopefully signifying thank you. I put on some clothes and get into bed, but sleep doesn’t come to me. My mind is racing.  _ Why did you go into the road? He died because of you.  _

_ ___________________________________________________________________ _

My eyelids are heavy, and I struggle to open them the next morning. I guess somehow I eventually was able to fall asleep. I rub my eyes and try to look around the room, but all my eyelids do is close again. 

“Hey Niccolo hurry up! I’m starving!” I open my eyes, after a fight, and look to see Connie and crowded against Niccolo, who seems to be cooking something. 

“Calm down,” Niccolo says with a smile. “It will be done soon. Someone should wake Jean so he doesn't miss out and clobber be like he did last time.” 

Connie looks down, “I think we should let him sleep, he was up late last night.” 

I practically jump up at the sound of this, making sure Connie knows I’m alright. “I’m up,” I say groggily. “What time is it?” 

“Around 11:30,” Sasha responds. “Niccolo is making us an early lunch!” At the mention of his name, Niccolo turns around and shows me the pan, full of seafood. 

“Where did you even get seafood?” I ask. 

“Don’t question my ways, Kirstein.” 

I roll my eyes, but a small smile appears on my lips. “I’ve got my meeting with Armin in an hour, so I’ll be in the bathroom for a bit but you bet I’ll be back to eat this early lunch.” I start to walk away, but then I turn around and add, “And I have high expectations.” 

I get to the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I brush my teeth and pop my pill into my mouth. I look in the mirror and notice my hair is sticking up again. I try to smooth it down, but all it does is pop back up. Worry erupts inside my chest, I need to get it down. I wet my hand and repeatedly rub my hand on the hairs, until finally it settles down. I let out a breath I was holding. Why was I worried about this? It’s just a meeting with a tutor. Who may I add, I am only gonna see once. 

After a bit more grooming, I walk out to see everybody already chowing down. Sasha is stuffing all sorts of fish in her mouth, while Niccolo looks at her with a look of satisfaction. Connie is the first to notice me and motions with his hand for me to sit down. 

“So you got your study date today huh?” Connie asks, in between shoving piles of fish into his mouth. 

“It is not a study date,” I correct him. “Just a single tutoring session.” 

“Whatever you say,” He pushes a plate towards me and I start lifting a pile of food into my mouth. “You look awfully fancy for a tutoring session though.” 

I slap him on the head and he recoils into a laugh. “I just wanted to impress the librarian,” I say, with a not so obvious sarcastic tone. I shovel some food in my mouth, which is really good, even though I would never tell Niccolo I thought that. 

_________________________________________________________

At exactly 12:50, I leave the dorm and start making my way to the library. It’s a surprisingly nice day, considering yesterday was a bit cold. As I make my way over, my eyes catch a goth girl and boy sitting on a bench, just staring off into space. I make an effort to ignore them, but can't help thinking they are staring right through me. 

I eventually make it to the library at 1:01, the perfect time. I look around and see Armin sitting at a table in the back, with a laptop up in front of him. As I get closer, I realize he’s wearing glasses today, which once again are a bit too big for his face. 

“Hey,” I say when I finally get to the table. 

“Ah Jean!” He exclaims. “I can’t wait to get started!” 

I sit down across from him and start to pull my things out of my bag, but when I look up, he’s staring right at me. “Is there something wrong?” My heart starts to sink. 

“Nothing! It’s just your hair sticking up.” My heart drops this time. Of course it is. I frantically start to rub it down and try to hide my worry. “No, don't worry about it,” He starts. “It gives you a lot of character! It’s cute!” My hearts back up. “So do you have any idea what you want to write your paper on?”

“I’m… not really sure. I’ve never been too great at writing essays.” 

“Well let’s start with this, what’s something that interests you?” 

“How about we write it about the ocean?” The mention of this leaves Armin with a surprised face. “That way it’s something that we both enjoy.”

“The history of the ocean? Yea, that sounds good.” He smiles at me and I can feel my body relax. 

I spend the next couple of hours listening to Armin speak about the history of the oceans, how they came to be, how they were discovered, Armin knows it all. There’s something about the way he speaks that keeps my interest, unlike when I am in class. While he speaks I notice the blood slowly crawling up his ears again, the more excited he is. “Hey Armin, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course,” He looks to me and adjusts his glasses on his nose.

“Why do you love the ocean so much?” 

“My parents loved the ocean.” He looks away while speaking, a sad tone in his voice. “They taught me about it when I was a kid.” He stops after that, and neither of us speak for a minute. I can see water start to form in his eyes, but they never form into tears. Eventually he breaks the silence with something I’ve been dreading, “Well it seems like you have enough information. Do you wanna end it here for today?” 

“Ah yea,” My chest tightens. I did what I had to do, I did my one meeting and got my information, now I don’t ever have to see this guy again. I can pass the class now, and forget about Armin Arlert. 

“Good luck on your essay!”

“Actually,” I start speaking without even realizing it. “Do you think we could meet again tomorrow?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2!!! Im def excited about writing the rest of this story and I can't wait for it to take off. Im def insecure about my writing style, but I try to make it as entertaining as possible. Please enjoy!!!! <3


	3. Chapter 3

Why did I say that. “Just to work on the paper though!” Liar. 

“Well, I think I’m free tomorrow at around 3? You could come by my dorm?”

I don’t want to hang out with him again, this was just a one time thing, I was only here for my essay. “Yea! I’ll see you then.” What is wrong with me. 

“I”ll see you then.” He grins at me. “I’ll text you.” 

I unknowingly stare at him until he leaves the library, my brain racing with all sorts of thoughts. Tomorrow, huh. I assure myself, this is just for the essay. I was nervous about writing it, so I wanted him to help me again. Simple as that. A smile appears on my face as I pack my things up and start to walk out the door. I’ll get this essay done, then my life will be worry free, well, sort of. 

“Hey, guy,” I hear someone yelling, but I ultimately just ignore it, and keep on walking towards my dorm. “Hey! Guy with the face of a horse!” Huh? I turn my head to see the guy and the goth girl from before, staring right at me. Well, just the guy is really staring at me. His hair is long, which he ties back into a loose bun towards the end of his head. The goth girl is standing slightly behind him, not really giving me much attention. Her hair is cut just below her ears, her lower chin almost completely covered by a vibrant red scarf she keeps wrapped around her neck. Her expression is calm and neutral, as opposed to the guy, whose face is full of complete fury. 

“Excuse me?” I’m looking right at Mr. Angry right now. “Do I know you?” I’ll admit this comes out with much more malice than I care to admit. 

“What were you doing with Armin?” He raises arm and makes a fist with his hand. Goth girl seems to notice this, and starts to look up to me, a look of malice filling in her eyes as well. 

“Huh? We were working on an essay for my history class,” I raise my eyebrows at him. “What does it matter to you?” 

“It matters to me because you look like a selfish idiot.” 

“Listen you ass,” I go blank in search of an insult. “You just need to mind your own business shithead.” _I_ nstinctively, we both step closer to each other at the same time. 

He steps even closer to me, our foreheads basically touching. “I’m just telling you, you look like a egotistical douche who doesn’t care for people.” He raises his fit up, and I do the same, ready to take angry man out. 

“Eren.” Before we can make contact with each other, goth girl comes up to us and puts her hand on angry man’s shoulder. “Lets go.” She starts walking away in the opposite direction, dragging him with her. He looks back to me, furrows his brows, and flips me off. I will write 100 history papers if it means I never have to see that guy again. 

_______________________________________________________________

I head back into the dorm and don’t notice Connie anywhere. I squint my eyes and look at the clock we keep at the top of our fridge, 8:05. He probably went out somewhere with everyone, there’s no real reason they would have had to wait for me. I collapse on the bed and start scrolling through my phone, making sure I didn’t miss and texts or calls from them. Nothing. I put my phone down and sigh. Maybe I should make myself dinner, or I could start planning my paper, or I could go to bed. I like that last option. 

_*ding*_

My eyes jot back to my phone, my hopes high, maybe Connie is trying to tell me something. Or maybe Armin- probably not that. 

_Jean? This is Armin :)_

Holy crap it was him. My hands move quickly and I grab my phone, my fingers struggling to type. 

_hey whatsup?_

_I just wanted to say sorry for acting like that_

_towards the end, some personal stuff came_

_up in my head:(_

_its no problem man i heard from a very reliable_

_source that its manly to cry, or something like_

_that_

_What brilliant man told you that?_

_i didnt say brilliant_

He doesn’t respond for a while, so I panic, maybe that text came off as too mean. 

_maybe the universe saw how we first met and_

_decided to keep it even between us_

Oh god that was dumb. It sounded cool in my head, but typing it just seems awkward. I can feel sweat start forming on my forehead. 

_Yea:) I’m sorry for the late response I was_

_Having trouble with my roommate:/_

Of course. I was panicking over nothing. My body temperature slowly returns. 

_its all good. so tomorrow at 3?_

_Yes!! I’m excited to work on the_

_paper:)_

_-_

_And hang out!_

Huh. He’s excited to hang out. _He’s excited for us to hang out._ Hang out and write the essay, I remind myself. We are doing this for history. I can’t help my heart from fluttering. 

“Hey Jean! I brought you dinner!” 

My whole body convulses and I jump up to see Connie, staring at me with a weird look in the doorway. 

“What were you jacking off?” 

“What? No!” I try to stand in a slightly less stiff position, and lean against the wall. “I wasn’t doing anything, you just surprised me.” 

“Dude.” He raises his arm and points at my face. “Your face is completely red, you were doing something intimate.” 

“What are you talking about? My face isn’t red.” Oh god is it? I am really into writing this paper. 

“Your face got even more red as you said that.” We stand in silence for about thirty seconds, the longest 30 seconds of my life. “Anyway,” Connie starts, finall breaking it. “I brought you stuff from Niccolo’s place.” 

“Thank you.” it takes all the power in my body to not stutter.

“So how was your tutor date?” 

I pray my face keeps its normal color. “It was fine, I’m going over his place tomorrow to start writing the essay.” 

“You didn’t start it?” I shake my head. “What the hell did you guys do for seven hours today?”

I gulp. “I listened to him talk about the ocean.” I stop but the scramble to add, “That’s what we decided my topic is gonna be.” 

“You… listened to him talk about the ocean for seven hours?”

“For my essay, yeah.” 

“And that’s all you guys did?”

“Pretty much.”

“Soooo, you wanna talk about what you were doing before I got here?”

“Oh shut up you idiot!” 

___________________________________________________________

The next morning I wake up, surprisingly feeling really good. I walk over to the bathroom and start heating up the little leftovers I saved from Niccolo’s early lunch. As the microwave is going, I hear Connie start shuffling into the room and I nod to him, a signal to come sit down. “Youre up early.”

“I could say the same thing for you. He pauses and thinks for a moment, like he’s processing what he’s gonna say next. “So no nightmares last night huh?” 

“I guess not.” I guess the mystery of my great sleep is solved. 

He smirks, “Your session yesterday must have really calmed you.”

“Asshole,” The corner of my lips reach up into a smile.

Connie’s smirk stops, and his face gets serious. “I know we talked about this the other night but, I really want you to know I can help you. I want to help you. Ever since that day,” He stops for a moment and swallows. “Just, what I’m trying to say is it’s not your fault. It’s not his fault either. And he would want you to know he doesn’t blame you.” 

I bring my hand up and rest it on Connie’s shoulder. “I know,” Is all I can mutter out. He takes his hand and rests it on top of mine, and we sit there in a comfortable silence. My mind starts wandering, and the worries in my head start spinning. Marco blames you. You ruined Connies life. “Connie, I-,” 

The microwave beeps. We both look up and the same time, separating our hands from eachother. “Well,” Connie turns back towards me. “What’s for breakfast?” I go and grab the leftover lunch, separate it onto two plates, and we sit and eat. In once again, a comfortable silence.

“Do you wanna go somewhere today?” Connie asks while we are starting to clean up the table. “We could go hang out with Sasha and Niccolo, or maybe go to a movie. 

“I gotta to go to Armin’s house place,” I remind him.

“Ah yes, your ‘tutor’.”

I scoff, “At least I’m gonna pass this class. After today we probably won’t even see each other again. We are just gonna finish this paper and that’s that.” I frown, suddenly saddened. 

“If that’s what you say-,” 

_*ding*_

I grab my phone and bring it up to my face, trying to see before Connie does. 

_Good morning:)!! It turns out I’m free earlier_

_today if you wanna stop by soon! Let me_

_know!_

Armin. He’s free now. I can go see him now. To write the essay. To hang out.

_“_ Who is it?” Connie asks, trying to pry my hands open. 

“Its just Armin, telling me he’s available earlier today.” 

“Just Armin? Is that what you were doing last night?”

I play it safe, “What makes you think that?”

He laughs. “Your face is all red again.” 

“Shut up!” I make my way to the bathroom and do the usual, making sure I leave a piece of hair out of place this time. I run to my closet, and pick out a somewhat nice pair of clothes, and make an effort to bring all my notes, with extra pens and paper. I shoot a quick text over to Armin, to let him know I’m on my way, and go back into the kitchen. 

“You’re looking prepared,” Connie scans me. 

“Hey, you gotta be prepared to write good papers. They don't just appear out of thin air you know.”

“Well, I’m looking forward to the best essay ever when you get back.” 

“You better be.”

_________________________________________________________

I’ve been standing outside the door for three minutes now. Maybe I should just text him I’m here? Or maybe it would make a better impression if I knocked? Maybe I shoul- 

_*bing*_

_I’ve got all the stuff ready! There’s_

_some stuff in the pantry that we can_

_make if you’re hungry:)_

This is the best chance I’m gonna get.

_im at the door rn_

Quickly, I hear the sound of shuffling feet and the door opens soon after. Armin stands there, wearing a black turtleneck, his glasses not on today. His hair is a bit messier than usual, not really having a part. I look down to him, “Thanks for having me.”

“It’s no problem!” He responds. “I just couldn't make it to the library today so it’s really you I should be thanking for coming all the way here.” He stops, and his eyes widen. “I didn’t mean to make you wait outside!” He moves to the side and makes a gesture with his hand for me to come in. His dorm looks like two opposite sides of a war. One side full of geographical maps, and pictures of scenery from all around the world. There’s books neatly stacked in the corner of the room, and a spew of papers scattered all around it. The other side of the room is covered from posters of all sorts of metal and rock bands, CD’s all over the ground, and a singular corner filled with all sorts of plants. Armin snaps me out of my trance, “Well this is my dorm,” He rubs his palm on the back on his neck. “Do you wanna get started?”

Ah yes, the essay. The whole reason I came here. “Yea, I’m all ready.” We both sit down across from each other at a very similar kitchen table to the one me and Connie have, and I take out all the papers I brought.” 

“So,” Armin starts, “Let’s start with the body paragraphs,” He takes a pen from besides me and lightly brushes up against my arm, my heart immediately starts beating and I try to keep my cool. “We can start planning what we want to write about. Like paragraph one about the discovery, paragraph two about the ocean life.” I nod, writing down everything he says. “After we have that done, we can get started on the writing.” 

Me and Armin both work for the next two or three hours, and after a bit, I have a solid essay written out. “Well!” I look up with pride. “We did pretty damn good, Armin!” 

His ears flush red, “Yea,” he smiles. “Do you wanna get something to eat? It’s been a while.” I nod and watch him as he goes to the pantry, and pulls out a bag of potato chips. 

“My friend loves these,” I start to tell him. “She’ll pretty much go crazy over any food product.”

“Friend?” Armin asks, a concerned look on his face. 

“Yea, we’ve pretty much known each other all our life, me and all my friends have. She started dating someone a while back and he cooks for her, it’s pretty much her dream come true.” 

“Oh!” A relieved look appears on his face. “Your friends sound amazing,” He pops a chip into his mouth. 

“Yeah they are,” a frown starts to make its way into my face. 

“Is something wrong?” He looks worried.

“Ah yeah I’m alright,” my breathing starts to speed up a bit. “It’s just something in the back of my mind.” 

He looks at me, his blue eyes right on mine. “The other day,” He starts to twiddle his fingers in his lap. “I got weird with you because we started talking about my parents.” He brings his hands to the top of the table and lays them in front of him. “They died when I was young,” His eyes start to tear up. “I’m sorry I don’t mean to bring the attention away from you. I just want you to know I understand. And I am here for you.” He stands up and moves in the chair next to me. 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” I say looking away, embarrassed by sudden closeness. 

“What’s your favorite food?” 

Huh? That was a jump in conversation. I look back to him to see him looking up at me, a genuine expression on his face. “Omelettes,” I reply. “I always used to eat them when I was little.” 

“You know what that says about you?”

I get nervous, thinking he’s about to say something like, _it means I hate omelettes and I hate you so leave._ Okay, maybe that was a bit exaggerated. “What does it mean?”

“It means you like omelettes.” His face is extended into a huge smile, like I just fell into some sort of huge joke. “Sorry, that was a bad attempt at lifting spirits.” He starts giggling and his ears grow red once more. His face is so small. I want to hold him. I want to stay with him. I want to kiss him. _Oh, this wasn’t about the paper._


	4. Chapter 4

“Jean? Are you alright?” Armin asks, snapping me out of my head. “You’ve been staring for a bit now.”

No, I wouldn’t say I’m particularly okay right now. “Yeah, I’m all good.” I grab one of the chips and throw it into my mouth. “So tell me about the drastic change in scenery in your dorm here.”

“Oh you mean the room? That’s half my roommate and half me.” He leans his head against his hand. “He’s really into rock music, sorry he’s also kind of a mess.” 

“Hey don’t worry,” I start. “My roommate’s not much better. He once ate chips and dip in his bed and proceeded to drop it all over the floor. You could guess what we did that afternoon.”

He laughs, bringing his hand up to cover his mouth. Cute. “The plants are from our friend who practically lives with us. She always makes sure they are watered. She really had to argue to convince him to let her use his corner of the room. You could practically hear them yelling from the other side of campus.”

“You’re roommates sound like real characters.” 

He grins. “They are. We’ve known each other a while, just like you and your friends.” He looks off, “They mean a lot to me.” 

The sad look on his face makes me want to reach out and comfort him. “Tell me about your side of the room,” I say, in an attempt to distract him. My version of the omelettes, if you will. “What are all the pictures from?” 

‘They’re all pictures either me or my parents took. We travelled a lot when I was young, before everything happened.”

“When did you meet your roommates?” I ask, trying to stay away from the subject again. 

“Oh! We used to live in the same town,” He clasps his hands together in excitement, and an unexpected smile appears on my face. “They always use to protect me from bullies, I don’t know what I would have done without them,” He lets out a sad sounding laugh.

“What are their names? They sound like pretty cool people.” 

“Eren and Mikasa! You guys would get along together very well!”

Eren and Mikasa… that sounds very familiar somehow. Suddenly the door bursts open and me and Armin simultaneously turn our heads around. 

“Hey horseface!” Eren steps into the room, his face enraged. “Step away from Armin!” 

“You?” I make a disgusted look with my face. “You’re the roommate?”

“Do you guys know each other?” Armin steps between us, looking frantically between the two of us. Me and Eren both look at eachother, silently deciding what to say.

“We’ve met before,” I say while scratching my head, trying to sound as non suspicious as possible. 

“Oh, we’ve met,” Eren says walking closer, revealing the quiet goth behind him, which must be Mikasa. “Armin why is he here?” 

“We were just working on his essay,” a blush runs up his ears again. “What’s wrong?” He turns his back to me and looks right at Eren. 

“He’s an asshole,” He furrows his eyebrows right at me. What did I do to you little angry man? “You shouldn’t be hanging out with him.”

“Eren,” Armin frowns. “I don’t understand what you’re saying. He’s been fine.” 

“He killed somebody.” My eyes open wide and I start taking steps back until I hit the table. How did they know that? Mikasa emerges behind Eren. 

“Oh,” Eren starts talking like he’s won an argument, which I guess he has. “Guess what we overheard buzzcut saying was true.” Connie? Why would he say that? My throat tightens as a ball starts to come up my throat. I try to say something in response, but my mouth won’t open. I just stand there as stiff as a board, like I’m being crushed by a giant rock. 

“Well,” Armin “Me and Jean were just planning on going outside.” He looks to me with a hopeful look on his face, “Right?” I want to respond, I want to go along with him, but my feet won’t move. “Lets go.” He grabs my arm and leads me outside the dorm, passing by both Eren and Mikasa. Eren still looks at me with a look of rage on his face, yet Mikasa once again stands there emotionless. Armin leads me down the stairs and outside, the cool air hitting my face, making my face cold from the tears I didn’t know were there. I don’t even have the energy to be embarrassed. Armin knows I killed Marco. He knows and now he hates me. I’m losing someone again, and it’s all my fault. I don’t know how long we were walking for, but eventually Armin sits on the ground beside me, criss cross just like the day we first met. He starts picking at grass on the ground, pulling it up and tying it in his hands. I look around to see we are in some place on campus, a picnic-like spot. “Jean,” Armin looks right at me, a look on his face I can’t distinguish. “Did you really kill someone?”

My eyes are tired, as well as puffy and probably red. There’s no point in not telling him. He already hates me. I take a deep breath, and allow myself to shut my eyes. “Yes,” Is what I end up muttering out. 

“Who did you kill?” He looks away from me and brings his attention back to the grass he’s picking at. “I want you to tell me.” 

I let out a loud sigh, and wrap my hands around myself. “My best friend, Marco. I killed him. He’s been gone for two years. He died and it’s all my fault.” I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my head on the top of them. 

“How did you kill him?” 

My eyes widen. “Why does that matter?” Tears start to fall the more I talk. “He’s dead and it’s because of me.” 

“How did you kill him?” He gently places his hand near my leg on the ground. “I want you to tell me.” 

“I was stupid.” My voice starts hiccuping and I talk between gasps. “I was stupid and I killed the guy I loved.” He doesn’t say anything, just sits and listens. “We were supposed to be going ice skating.”

_ “Are we almost there?” Connie makes sure to dramatically gasp to show us how tired he is.  _

_ “You know It’s your fault we have to walk,” I say in a mocking tone to him. “It’s your fault you wrecked the car.”  _

_ “Whatever, Kirstein,” He points his thumb at himself. “At Least I beat Niccolo’s record of driving around the neighborhood.”  _

_ “You could have let Niccolo win and we wouldn't be freezing our asses off right now.” _

_ “Come on, guys,” Marco butts in to stop us from fighting. “It’s not that bad! And we are almost there!” He points ahead of us. “You can even see it from where we are.” He smiles at us, quickly shutting me and Connie up.  _

_ “You know we could get there faster if we jogged,” I bring up. “We might be more tired but it’ll at least warm us up.” _

_ “Mm, I don’t think that’s the greatest idea,” Marco starts rubbing his finger on his chin. “It’s pretty icey. We could easily fall.” _

_ “Hey Connie, I bet you I could beat you in a race over there.”  _

_ “Hey you heard Marco, It’s dangerous.” He starts smiling, “Although that’s never stopped me before.”  _

_ “Guys, please be careful,” Marco looks to us. “Although I will time you,” He starts laughing, which brings warmth.  _

_ Marco starts counting down, “Set..Go!” _

_ Me and Connie start racing down to the rink, with Marco trailing behind us, trying our hardest not to slip. Of course to our surprise, the ice was slippery. I try my best to stay up, but the inevitable happens and I fall right on my face, and slide a couple feet forward.  _

_ “Oh man!” Connie starts laughing and clutching his stomach. “That was priceless!” I pull myself of the ground and sit, scowling at him.  _

_ “Jean are you okay!” Marco runs up behind us.  _

_ “Yeah I’m okay,” I start laughing. “Guess we should have listened to you, huh?” He starts laughing and I can’t help but stare at him. He makes me so happy. I am so glad for his existence in my life. _

_ “Jean! Move!” I don’t realize that they’re yelling until it’s too late. A truck is barreling towards me. I can’t move. I can’t do anything.  _

“Marco pushed me out of the way,” I start sniffling. “He got hit by the truck, he died on impact.” 

“Jean you didn’t kill him.” Armin turns his whole body to me. “If what you just told me was the truth, he protected you. He would have wanted you to live a full life.” 

“You don’t understand!” I start yelling now, not caring about anything else. “I killed him! It was my idea to start running! It was my fault I didn’t move out of the way! He died because I was stupid and incompetent!”

“Jean, I-,” 

“Now all I do is sulk and make everyone’s lives around me worse. I ruined everything I had. And now I make it all about me. I’m selfish and I don’t deserve anything.” Connie pops into my mind, he probably hates me now too. He told people I killed him and he’s right. He’s sick of me making his life worse. “All of it is my fault,” tears are streaming out of my eyes, they burn, but they won’t stop. “All of it-”

Armin wraps his arm around me and squeezes me as tightly as it seems he can muster. I let go on my knees and let my arms fall and brush the ground. He burrows his face into my neck and I just let him. I can feel some of his tears leak onto my skin, “It’s not your fault, Jean,” He says in between sniffles. “It’s not your fault.” For a moment, I do believe him. And in that moment I feel a sort of closure, that I haven’t felt in a long time. I pull my arms back up and wrap them around him, squeezing just as he is to me. It feel nice, to be with someone like this. I let myself fall into him, and enjoy a slight moment of peace. Neither of us let go, so we just stay in each other’s arm for god knows how long, I’m not counting. 

Eventually, he pulls away and looks to me. The light of the sunset is bouncing off his skin, shading him an orange hue. His eyes are red, just like mine probably are, and his hair is all ruffled, which makes me want to reach out and fix it. “I’m sorry I’m kinda a cry baby,” Armin laughs a little bit to himself. “And I want to apologize for how Eren and Mikasa acted. I don’t know why they are acting like that, but I do know I can go up to them and tell them they’re wrong.” He lets out a smile, which looks stiff on his face. Forced or not, it calms me and I wipe my face with my sleeve. 

My guilt slowly drifts back into my mind, but I ignore it and put all my power into staring at Armin, who’s back to ripping up the grass. “Thank you, Armin. Although,” I look down at him. “That’s two embarrassing moments from me so far. I’ll be looking forward to your next one to make things fair.” 

He laughs, “I would hope it doesn’t come for a while.” He opens his palm and lets all the grass he had blow out of his hand. I watch as he follows it into the sky, as it slowly disappears. We wait in silence for a bit more before Armin breaks it. “Do you want me to walk you back home?”

“Actually,” I stop, prying my mind for some way to stay with him. “Do you want to get something to eat? I know a professional chef in training, he can hook us up,” I say while a laugh escapes my mouth. 

“That would be nice,” He smiles, and it melts me inside a little bit. 


	5. Chapter 5

“Give me a sec,” I take my phone out of my pocket and shoot Niccolo a text. 

_hey im coming over with someone tonight. Dinner?_

_You know it, Kirstein ;)._

“So,” I say, trying not to blush at the thought of what happened earlier. He hugged me. And I got to hug him back. Of course he was just trying to be nice to me, but I sulk in the thoughts of the event. “My friend I told you about earlier who has the chef boyfriend?” He nods. “That’s where we’re going.” 

“What are we having?” He looks to me with a big smile on his face, he seems awfully excited about eating. 

“He’ll probably make pizza, it’s one of his favorite things.” 

“Your friend is training to be a professional chef… and he’s making pizza?” 

“Hey, you’re not living until you’ve tried his pizza.”

“I will hold you personally accountable if this pizza isn’t the best thing I’ve ever eaten.”

I laugh, “I’ll take you on that.” I rub my eyes, which are still dry and swollen from earlier. Armin looks up at me, his eyes worryful. For me? “I’m alright,” I assure him. “I’m sorry again for earlier.” I tare my eyes away from him and rub my hand against my cheek. 

“Jean, It’s really okay.” He slightly slows down his walking pace, making me concerned. “I told you it happens to us all.” He keeps looking down, progressively walking slower and slower. I eventually stop, him a couple steps behind me. 

“Are you okay?” He keeps looking down towards me, a blank look in his face.

“Jean,” My heart stops. Did I do something again? He points right at me. “You have grass all over the back of your pants.”

At first I didn’t think I heard him right. That is until, I look behind me and there is grass stains all over my jeans. “Shit!” I yell. I frantically try to wipe it off as Armin giggles in the background.

____________________________________________________________

  
  


We walk into Niccolo’s dorm, Sasha surprisingly nowhere to be found, yet empty bags of chips suggest she was here earlier. “Ah, Jean!” Niccolo jumps out from the kitchen and leans against the counter. “I’m working on dinner, who did you bring?”

“Niccolo, this is Armin,” I gesture between the two of them. “Chef meet tutor.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Armin smiles and holds his hand out to Niccolo, who takes it and grasps it. 

“The feeling’s mutual, little man.” He turns around and starts moving around the kitchen. “So how long have you guys been dating?” 

I can feel all the blood rush right to my face, and it gets hot too. I stutter, “Niccolo no, it’s not like that. We are just friends,” I try my best to laugh, but it sounds a bit too fake. “Right Armin?” 

I look to my side to see Armin’s ears red again, slightly showing between strands of hair tucked around his ears. “R-right!” He rests his elbow in his hand. “Just came to have some pizza.” 

“Oh my bad,” He doesn’t even flinch at what he’s doing. Guess that’s the professional chef training. “Dinner is almost done, you guys are free to sit in the other room until it’s done.” 

“Thanks Niccolo,” I smirk at him. “I did make a bet that this would be really good so please don’t mess this up.” 

“Jean,” Niccolo turns his head and looks at me, a hurt look on his face. “It hurts me that you would even think I could possibly not make this delicious.” 

Me and Armin turn around and walk into the next room, where a single couch lays in the room, along with a coffee table and a television. There are tons of bookshelves filled to the absolute most, probably cookbooks. Me and Armin both sit down on the couch, somehow sitting as far away from each other as possible. My body aches to close the hole, and grab him in my arms. 

“Your friend is very nice,” Armin is looking straight at the floor, obviously feeling awkward. I laugh a bit, finding it’s cute how he’s unable to hide it. 

“I’m sorry about what he said,” I frown at him. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” I swallow the spit towering up in my mouth. Armin continues to stare at the floor, and my head starts spinning with guilt. “My friends always say that to all people I bring places!” That's a complete lie. When's the last time I was with someone? Marco. 

“Oh it’s no big deal.” He looks back at me, his ears still red.

“Liar,” I squint my eyes and point my finger to him. “You're embarrassed.” 

“W-what?” 

“Your ears.” 

“Excuse me?” He takes his hands and starts rubbing his ears. “Is there something wrong with them?” 

“They get red,” I pray to god themself that I do not get red while saying this. “When you’re embarrassed.”

“They do?” His eyes widen in surprise and he springs to cover his ears. “I’m sorry,” He looks away from me.

Shit. “Don’t be!” I rush to say. “It’s kinda cute!” I rushed too fast. He doesn’t say anything. _Shit._ I ruined everything because I couldn’t keep my stupid brain in check. “I’m sorry-”

“No it’s okay,” He scoots closer to me on the couch. We’re close now, our knees could almost touch. I dig my hands into the couch, gripping the covering. “Sorry, I guess I just got embarrassed again.”

“Don’t be sorry,” I raise my arm up and rub my neck. “Our relationship seems to be all about embarrassing moments anyway.” 

“Y-yea,” He brings his legs onto the couch and sits criss -cross again. “Would you say we’re tied now?” 

“I don’t know,” I look at him. “I would say I’m still one ahead.” 

“You have bias,” He smiles at me. His face is so small, his hair is all messed up still, guess he never attempted to fix it. He put his hand down on the couch, right in the middle of us. My body tingles. I want to reach out and lay my hand atop of his. Interlock his fingers with mine. I look down to him, and see his eyes and shut closed, ears red once again. I start to slowly reach my hand towards his, trying to build of confidence to grab it as I go. My hand starts to shake, it’s so close to his now. Just a little further-

“Pizza is done!” Niccolo busts through the door, kicking it with his foot. He takes on look at us, and can probably see the blush taking over both of our faces, although I choose to think he overlooked that. Out of my own dignity. I swipe my hand away from his and he sits up straight again, hands on his lap. “Am I,” He looks at us with a confused look. Interrupting something?” 

“No!” Armin practically screams out. “Thank you for dinner!”

Niccolo gently walks into the room and places plates in front of us, topped with pizza. “Well whatever was going on in here,” His eyes dart between us, and I resist the urge to slap him across the head. “Can be fixed with my dinner!” His eyes light up, “Dig in!” 

We all bite into the pizza, and damn this guy is way too good it’s scary. I look over to Armin to see how he’s enjoying it, yet I find him staring at nothing and slowly chewing. “Armin?” I tap his shoulder to get his attention, slightly shuddering at the touch. “You good?”

“Jean,” He looks up to me frantically. “I’m sorry I doubted you.” He clenches his fist and hold it up level with his face. “This pizza is to die for.”

_____________________________________________________________________

“Thank you again, Niccolo!” Armin stiffens and looks up to Niccolo. 

“It’s alright man,” Niccolo laughs. “I’m glad you enjoyed it. A friend of Jean is welcome here anytime.” He looks over to me, the joy he had in his eyes facing Armin now gone. “Jean, can I talk to you?” 

My anxiety rises. “Yeah,” I look over to Armin who looks worried. “I’ll be right back,” I smile to reassure him, even though my stomach is crawling with the thoughts of what Niccolo would want to talk about. 

“Jean,” he says after we get into the other room. “I saw Connie on campus between classes the other day and we started talking. He told me you’re still having nightmares?” My stomach tightens even more. I guess that’s how Eren found out. “Why didn’t you tell us? We can help you through this.” I don’t answer, because frankly, I don’t know why I didn’t tell them. Maybe I didn’t want to burden them, I don’t know. 

“I’m sorry, Niccolo.” I close my eyes and breathe out. “I don’t really know what to do with myself let alone everybody else. It’s all too much sometimes.” 

“Is Armin making this any worse?” He says seriously. My head perks up, why would he think that? Armin has done nothing but help me the little time I’ve known him. 

“No!” I firmly state. “Armin hasn’t done anything bad. In fact, he actually is helping me a bit.” I think about the hug, and how my mind was free from the chains of memories for a bit. How nice it felt to have him in my arms. “He is,” My face starts to blush, so I cover it with my hand. “Really… cool.” 

Niccolo snears at me, his eyebrows raised. “And the truth comes out.” I pull my hand down and look at him, confused. “You like him.” 

“I do not.” Lie again. 

“Whatever you say buddy,” He waves his hand around in a circular motion. “But do know I support you in everything you do.” He crosses his arms and smiles at me.

“Thanks, Niccolo.” He put his arm on my shoulder and gives me a reaffirming smile. We walk back to the kitchen to see Armin sitting on a chair, staring out the window. The sound of the door alerts him and he turns around to see us, which leads to him running over to me. 

“Lets go,” I gesture to Armin and we both wave goodbye to Niccolo on our way out. 

“Is everything okay?” Armin asks, as we are walking back to his dorm. 

“Everything’s good,” I grin at him. “He was just letting me know something my roommate told him.”

“Jean?” 

“Yeah?”

“That pizza was really good.” 

I take a good look at his face, and my heart warms my whole body. “Yeah, it was.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry christmas and happy holidays!!!


	6. Chapter 6

We get to Armin’s dorm, and I walk him up to his door. “Tomorrow’s your big day,” He says to me, smiling. 

“What?”

“To turn your essay in.” Ah. I had forgotten all about that. I have been a little preoccupied. “I’m sure Professor Smith is going to be very impressed.” 

“It’s all thanks to you.”

As if he can tell her will blush, he covers his ears. “I didn’t do too much,” he mutters. “All the writing was you.” 

“I would never have been able to do it without your help,” I stare at him. “Thank you, Armin.” 

“It’s no problem! This is what I do after all.” 

“So, is this where we part ways?” I don’t want him to leave. We did what we had to do. There’s no reason for us to ever see eachother again. But I want to. I want to see him again.

“It seems so.” He bits his bottom lip. “Until tomorrow? You could come by here again? I have a tutoring session around eleven, but after I’m free.” He looks down refusing to make eye contact with me. “Only if you want to of course!”

I am jumping inside, my whole body ecstatic. I grin at him, making sure to keep my demeanor low, “I’m free. I could use a different meeting with your roommates too.” 

“I will make sure it all goes well!” He crosses his hands and holds them to his chest. “And I’ll make omelettes too.”

____________________________________________________________

I finally get back to my dorm and push the door open to see Connie laying on his bed, watching something on his laptop. I hesitate to say something to him, knowing what he said to Niccolo. I know he didn’t mean any harm, and he only talked to him out of worry, but somewhere I’m still hurt. 

“Hey,” Connie says, not looking up from his computer. His eyes fixed to the screen playing some sort of theme song. “Did you write the best paper ever? I’ve been waiting to see it.” 

“I sure did,” I pull the paper out of my bag and show it to him. “Easily A worthy.” 

He scoffs, and finally looks up to me, “So How was your date?” 

I roll my eyes and fall back onto my bed. “It wasn’t a date!”

“You were gone an awfully long time for it to just be a tutor session.”

“Well we did other things after we were done.”

“What, like hold hands in the grass?” 

“N-no!” More like hug in the grass. If he wasn’t talking sarcastically I would have thought he actually knew what we did. “His roommates had to do something, so we went over to Niccolo’s for dinner.” I make sure to skip over the questionable parts. 

“You went over Niccolo’s? Did he make pizza?”

“Yep.”

“You lucky bastard.” 

I fiddle with my thumbs, reluctant to bring up Connie and Niccolo’s talk. “Um,” I start finally, making sure to keep staring at the ceiling. “Did you tell Niccolo about the nightmares?”

Connie seems surprised, he shuts his laptop and moves his body so he's facing me. “Jean, I’m sorry.” I look over to him and see a genuine look of apology in his face. “I did tell him. I was just so worried about what was going on with you and I didn’t know what to do about it myself. I’m sorry.” He takes his hand and starts rubbing it over his head. “I know it was a breach of privacy, I understand if you're mad at me.” 

“No Connie,” I sit up, worried about him. “I was just checking. Armin’s roommates overheard you guys,” I start laughing, bitterly remembering what happened earlier. “They really questioned me.” 

Connie starts looking angrier, but his eyes start to water. “Jean, I can not tell you how sorry I am. But I will kick that kid’s roommates' asses.” 

“Trust me, I wanted too. The one has like a permanent frown etched on his face. Don’t worry though, I’m going over again tomorrow and Armin will be there.” 

“Jean, I know this is my fault, but is that a good idea? I don’t want them being shit heads to you.” He pauses, “Over something that they misheard me say.” He looks guilty. 

“It’s really alright. I want to see Armin.” Connie’s eyes widen and it looks like he wants to say something, but he stops himself. “He’s really a good person.”

“I'm glad.” Connie smiles at me.

“What for?” I ask, confused.

“That you found someone you care for.”

“Whatever.” I look away, but my heart is bursting. For Armin, and how much I care for Connie as well. “We should get some rest. I have class tomorrow early, and you gotta wake up with my alarm as always.”

“I’ll make some coffee in the morning.”

“How special,” I raise my arms and cross them against the back of my head. “Night, Connie.” 

“Night, man.” That night I sleep peacefully, plagued by no nightmares, only thoughts of Armin.

___________________________________________________________________________

  
  


My alarm clock goes off and I groggily open my eyes. Todays the day I’m turning in my essay. I pull myself up and throw a pillow across the room at Connie.

It hits him right in the face. “Hey!” He jolts awake. “I could have woken up fine from your alarm.”

I shrug, “Not as fun.” 

“Maybe I’ll just go back to sleep and let you make the coffee.”

“And risk ruining my complexion?” I snicker. “Also you said you would.”

“Whatever, Kirstein,” He pulls himself up and makes his way towards the kitchen. “Only cause I promised.” 

I smile and make my ways towards the bathroom, getting dressed. I quickly brush my teeth and swallow my pill, only patting my hair down, not really caring how it looks right now. As I start to step out, my phone buzzes. 

_ Good morning! Good luck today! :) _

Armin. A smile forms on my face as the thought of him. I jot a text back.

_ morning, thanks ill see you later _

  
  


I step out in the bathroom to see Connie yawning over the coffee machine. I walk over and sit down near him, grabbing my bag and making sure my essay’s in there. 

Connie starts pouring coffee and hands me a travel mug. “Good luck today with your amazingly worthy essay.” 

I sip the coffee, it’s sweet, he must have put sugar in it. “He’ll be amazed,” I smile. 

“So you're going to see Armin again today?” 

“Yea,” I swallow another sip of coffee. “Around twelve.” 

“You guys gonna hold hands in the park again?”

“Very funny,” I rub my eyes, slightly trying to cover the red appearing on my face. 

“Just be careful. If you need me to come and kick his roommates in the face just call. I’ll be there.” 

“Thank you, my knight in shining armor.” 

He snickers. “You know, I took karate when I was little. I’m prepared.”

“I’m sure you are, little man.” I check my phone for the time,  _ 8:45. _ I start to stand up and grab my bag. “I’ll see you later,” I say to Connie as I walk towards the door.

“Make sure to stop by here before your date.”

I don’t even bother to object, maybe because some part of me wishes it was that too. 

____________________________________________________________________

I make it to class early, and take my seat in the back of the class. I watch as the class slowly fills up and Professor Smith comes out. The hours pass by slow, sadly the magic that was present when Armin was teaching me about the ocean disappears. I spend the class trying to soak up what the Professor is saying, most of it not really staying in. After the two hours are done, I have a pretty sad page on notes in front of me, but hey, at least I tried. I gather everything up and pull my essay out my bag, tightly gripping it with my hands. I eventually make my way over to Professor Smiths desk, where he is once again deep in papers. “Excuse me,” I call out.

He looks up, “Ah, Jean.” He puts down his pen and rests his chin on his crossed fingers. “Do you have your essay for me?” 

“Yes.” I hand him my essay, not able to stop my arm from shaking.

“You saw Armin, I presume?” He grabs the essay from me and starts skimming through it.

“Yeah, I did. He helped me a lot with it.” 

“The ocean?” He looks up at me, a perplexing look glued on his face. “That certainly is a strange topic.” 

“It's about the history of it,” I stammer. 

“Very well,” He puts the essay down and rests his chin back on his knuckles. “Well this is a good start to bring your grade up. You will have to continue handing in your assignments to keep it up.” 

“Yes sir,” I reply. “I’ll make sure to be on top of it now. Thank you for your second chance.” 

“No need to thank me, Kirstein. How about you start with that tutor?” 

“I will, sir.” I walk out of the classroom, a feeling of relief lifted off my chest. I reach in my pocket for my phone, seeing it’s a quarter past eleven. Armin must be in his tutor session right now. My heart starts to beat quickly, from both nervousness and excitement.

I make my way back to the dorm, opening to see Connie passed out on the table, exactly where he was when I left. “Connie?” I poke him and he bounces up, drool falling through his mouth. “You good, man?” 

“Ah, yeah?’ He wipes his mouth and blinks his eyes a couple times. “What time is it?” 

“Like eleven something? How did you fall asleep on the table?” 

“I don’t know,” He leans back in the chair and stretches. “I did have a dream where I was squishing my face against a window, though.” 

I laugh, “Oh, man Connie that is really funny.” 

“After everything I’ve done for you.” He shakes his head. “So you ready to see Armin?” 

“I guess so,” I sit down next to him. “Do you think I should wear something nicer?” 

He looks me up and down. “You know, any other clothes you can possibly put on will be nice than that.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Sorry,” He chuckles. “You look good.” 

I tense up, “Do you think my hair looks okay?”

“It’s like I’m sending my son to prom.” He pretends to wipe a tear. “You don't have to be nervous for your date.” 

“It’s not a date!” 

“Sure, Kirstein.” 


	7. Chapter 7

I finally get to Armin’s dorm, and I find myself hovering around his door again. I check my phone,  _ 12:04. _ Should I wait a little longer? Be fashionably late? I don’t want him thinking I don’t care about our relationship, though- friendship, I mean. I adjust my jacket and rub together my hands before finally getting the courage to knock at the door. I step back, planning to give Armin some space, as I hear shuffling and a hand turn the knob.

“What do you want?” Eren stands there with a disgusted look on his face, barely leaving the door open. 

Oh my god. Out of all the things that could happen, he had to open the door right now? My stomach scrunches up, remembering what he said last time.  _ “He killed somebody.”  _ My mind quickly starts to fill with guilt and sweat starts to form on my forehead, slowly trickling down. I close my eyes and take a slow breath, thinking of what Connie said, how he’s worried, Niccolo and Sasha too. I lean toward him, embarrassed about how straight I was standing before. “I’m here to see Armin,” I say, trying my best to keep controlled. 

“I thought you guys were done with your essay?” He uses his thumb and wipes his nose. “Is there a reason you need to be here right now?” 

I take a deep breath. Armin wouldn't want me to call this guy an idiotic asshole who spiraled me into the most embarrassing anxiety attack of my life and frankly, I would really like to punch him in the face. It feels nice to get that out. “We were planning on hanging out today.” 

He scoffs at me and walks away, leaving the door open. I walk into the dorm, closing the door behind me. I see Mikasa in the corner near the plants, hugging her knees, staring at me. I start to wave but I’m interrupted by Eren stepping right into my view. “I don’t know why Armin likes you.” Well gee, that’s awfully nice. I don’t respond, because I don’t know why Armin likes me either. “But he did want me to apologize for what I said.” My eyes widen and I look at him, he doesn’t have much of an expression on his face besides anger, but it doesn't seem like he’s joking either. “So, I’m sorry.” He turns around and goes to sit with Mikasa in the corner, taking out his phone and tapping on it. 

I walk over to them and sit, making an effort to sit as far away from them as I can, while still being in their proximity. “Thanks,” I see them both look up, and I quickly look away to prevent eye contact. “For apologizing.” This is the most awkward situation I have ever put myself in, yet, I keep talking. “I um, really like Armin.” This sparks interest in them both and they simultaneously start to open their mouths. “As a friend I mean!” Yea, that’s what I mean. “But I want you guys to know that I don’t intend to do whatever you guys think I’m gonna do, I just genuinely like hanging out with him.” I pause and bite my lip. “And I care about him.”

“Whatever-”

“Eren,” Mikasa interrupts him. “Be nice.” 

“Sorry,” He looks down. “It’s no problem.” My stomach is fluttering from nervousness but I do feel like I accomplished something. 

I start to say something in an attempt to break the silence, but as soon as I open my mouth the door flies open and Armin comes in, his hands full of different books and some bags. His hair is ruffled and his glasses are barely hanging onto his face, but he somehow makes it look cute. “Jean!” He looks surprised to see me. “Did you get my text?” 

Confused, I check my phone and see a missed text from Armin saying he’ll be late. “Ah no, I must have missed it.” Well, I could have avoided all of whatever just happened before. 

“He’s only been here for a bit.” Mikasa cuts in. “We were all talking.”

“You were?” Armin smiles a bit, and dumps all his books onto the table. “That’s great!” 

“Yep.” Eren smiles, but the side of his lip twitches a bit. 

“Well Jean I’m glad you could make it!” Armin walks over to us and sits by me, his hair still messy. “I was running a bit late from my last tutoring session and wanted to run over the store to get this!” He pulls out the bags he brought with him and takes out a bunch of ingredients. Eggs, peppers, cheese, he really was serious about making omelettes. He reaches into the next bag and pulls out a box of cake mix. 

“Cake mix?” Me and Eren both exclaim at the same time.

“Yeah!” He holds the box above his head. “I thought we could make it together!” 

“Y-yeah,” I mutter out. “That would be fun.” Truth be told, I have almost no idea how to cook myself. I watched my mom do it for years, but never did it myself. When we all first met Niccolo, he kinda took over the cooking for us. When we all tried Niccolo's cooking for the first time, we basically freaked, Marco had to calm us all down. 

“We don’t have to if you’re not comfortable,” Armin looks at me, a kind look in his eyes. “Only if you want to.” 

“No!” I shake my head. “I would love to do it!” Only cause he’s here. 

___________________________________________________________________________

Before I know it, we’re all crowded into the kitchen, flour spread everywhere. “What do you mean it said teaspoon?” Eren yells. “I swear that said tablespoon.” 

“Eren, why would the recipe use a whole tablespoon of vanilla extract?” Armin says, calmly.

“To give it vanilla flavor?”

“This is gonna be the sweetest cake in the goddamn world.”

“Shut up, horse boy.” 

“Hey!” I touch my face. “Do I really look like a horse?” 

“Your face is very long,” Mikasa chimes in. 

“Guys!” Armin yells at them. “Jean, you have a very nice face!” 

“Ah, thanks.” My face starts to burn so I turn away and focus on stirring the cake mix in the bowl. “So are we done?” 

“It seems like it,” Mikasa looks over to my bowl. “We just need to put it in the oven.” Armin comes over and takes the bowl from me, his hands brushing against mine. My whole body shivers, and the spot where he touched me is warm. I watch as he pours the mix into a pan and puts it in the oven, his hair pushed back to not cover his face. His nose scrunches up when he’s focused on something, it’s a really cute feature. 

“Ow!” I yell as Eren elbows me in my side. “What was that for?” I whisper over to him. 

“Don’t even look at him,” He refuses to make eye contact with me. 

“Wha-”

“Shut.” He interrupts me. “I see you.” I get embarrassed knowing he saw me staring, but it honestly makes me want to stare even more. 

“We just have to wait about fifteen minutes now!” Armin throws his arms up in a stretch, his face all excited. Eren elbows me again. 

“Eren,” Mikasa looks up at him. “We have class soon.” 

Eren brings up his phone and checks that time. “Crap, we do.” He and Mikasa start to walk to the door but Eren turns around first. “Armin, stay safe.” He looks at me, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“Good luck you guys.” Armin waves goodbye and I do as well, trying to look as polite as possible. When they leave the sudden realization of being alone with Armin hits me, and I try to calm myself down. “Hey, Jean,” I look at Armin who’s watching the cake in the oven, I go over and crouch next to him, watching the cake quickly go up. “I’m glad you guys are getting along. I know they can be very protective of me, but it’s only because of how I was when I was little. They never grew out of their parent mentality I guess.” He giggles and looks over to me, a huge smile on his face. We are so close, I can almost feel the warmth of his breath on my skin. “I’m glad.” 

“I’m glad too.” I can feel his hand rise up and rest on my thigh, burning right into my heart. His hand is small, mine is almost twice his size, but it feels like the biggest obstacle ever. I raise my arm up, trying to stop it from shaking and slowly rest it on top of his, interlocking my fingers between his. It feels nice, like our hands fit perfectly together. My face is probably the color of a stop sign right now, but I don’t mind. I look up to Armin and he’s still staring at the cake, slowly rising in the oven, yet his ears turned a bright color. I smile, and am put into a calm sensation, my whole world feeling at rest, here with him. 

All of the sudden the alarm goes off, and Armin quickly gets up to get the cake out of the oven. He brings it out and sets it on the table, a proud grin on his face. “It looks good!” 

I look down at the cake, and it’s pretty uneven, and all cracked at the top. But man, it has a charm to it. “Yeah, are we gonna ice it?”

“I hope you like chocolate!” Armin runs over to the pantry and pulls out two containers of chocolate frosting, and hands one of them to me.

“I love chocolate,” I smile at him. “Me and my friends used to drink hot chocolate all the time when we were younger.” Marco runs through my head, but I push the thought of him away while looking at Armin. 

“I hope I will be able to live up to your chocolate standard.” 

“You better.” I open my can of frosting and Armin hands me a knife. I plop it in and start spreading it around. “So when do they usually come back?”

“Eren and Mikasa? They have class now but sometimes they go out for a bit after, get something to eat or go listen to music.” 

I feel a tinge of guilt for keeping Armin here with me. “You don’t want to go with them?” I ask.

“No, it’s alright! They usually go when I have tutoring sessions and I don’t really like going out much. They always bring me back food when they go out too.” He looks up from the cake at me. “Plus, I like hanging out with you.” 

That surprises me, my face resorts back to its red state. I bring my hand up to cover it, but in the process accidentally smudge some frosting on my face. “Ah, sorry.”

Armin starts laughing, his hand covering his mouth. “Don’t be.” He comes over to me and starts to bring his hand up to my face, I’m almost a foot taller than him, so he really has to reach. He gets on his tippy toes and brings his thumb up to my cheek, gently wiping the frosting away. He lets himself down and wipes his hand on a napkin, then looks up to me. I never noticed before, but his eyes are almost the color of the ocean, I could stare into them all day. I could stare at him all day. My body urges to lean down and hug him, just like how we did that day. “You want to keep decorating?” 

Armin snaps me out of my imagination. I look down, a grin practically taking over my face. “Of course.” 


	8. Chapter 8

“Wow this cake is... very sweet.” 

Armin’s nose scrunches up as he takes a bite. “Maybe Eren secretly likes sweets?” 

“Maybe.” I laugh a little at the thought. “Well, it could be worse.”

“That is true, it could have been raw.”

“So,” I say in between my bites, because who can turn down a cake, “I talked to Mr. Smith.”

“Ah, that’s right! Did he like your essay?”

“He hasn’t told me, he did think the ocean was an odd subject though.”

“That almost hurts my feelings.” I know he’s kidding, but my heart aches at the thought of upsetting Armin. 

“He uh, wanted me to ask if you could keep helping me,” I poke at my cake with my fork, smashing it.

“I would love to!” He brings his hands together. “It’s important to me that you pass.”

My brain flashed back to what Eren said,  _ “I don't know why Armin likes you.” _ I shouldn’t care what Eren says, but it keeps nagging at me, because I don’t know the answer either. “Armin,” I start. “Why do you like hanging out with me?” At this point my cake is just a blob on the plate, but I keep going at it. 

“I could ask you the same question,” He laughs a little to himself. “But to be the truth when we first met you reminded me of when I was younger.” He suddenly realizes his words and jots up, crossing his hands in the air. “Not that I’m calling you a cry baby or anything! You’re probably the opposite in fact, I just used to have pretty bad anxiety after my parents died when I was younger.” His ears turn a bit red, “So I guess I felt compelled to help you.” 

“Man, I’m sorry if I brought back anything.” It sounds like a forced apology, but I really do mean it. I would feel awful if our first meeting was brought on by something like that. 

“No, don’t be!” He drops his fork he was holding and looks at me, his eyes wide. “It was nothing like that, and I’m glad it happened! That we met, I mean.” 

“I am too.” Butterflies are practically taking up my whole stomach right now, but it’s not necessarily a bad feeling. 

“Are you done with your cake?” Armin gets up and gathers his plate, reaching out for mine. I hand it to him, and follow him as he throws the plates away and walks into the living room. He sits down on the couch and taps the spot next to him, signaling me to sit next to him. I unconsciously sit with my back straight and both my hands on my thighs, most likely out of nervousness. I look over and see Armin sitting with his legs tied, so I allow myself to relax a little and lean back on the couch, placing my arms over the top of the backrest. “What kind of TV do you watch?” He looks up at me, curiosity filling his face. 

“Hm,” I think hard about what to say, nervous I’ll accidently say something he hates. Oh me? My favorite show is  _ Naruto.  _ Jean, you like  _ Naruto?  _ Get out of my dorm. Well, I doubt he would say that, but the thought still lingers. “I kinda just watch whatever’s on, my roommate loves  _ Naruto  _ though, so I end up watching that a lot.” There, not a total lie. Connie does watch it, he never shuts up about how good the ramen looks. 

“Oh, Mikasa loves  _ Naruto _ !” He looks over at me, his eyes big. “Don’t tell anyone though, she always wanted to keep it a secret.” He starts giggling and I do too, the thought of the goth girl loving this ninja anime. I’m learning a lot about Armin’s roommates, Eren has the biggest sweet tooth record for a six foot man, and Mikasa loves heartwarming anime, despite her appearance begging the opposite. “I wouldn't mind watching it if you're cool with it?” He gestures to the tv with the remote. 

  
  


“I wouldn’t mind.” Armin puts it on and positions himself slightly closer to me on the couch, almost close enough where he’s practically under my arm. My face gets hot, at the thought of embracing him right now. He’s really close, it would be easy. “Jean,” Armin tilts his head up and looks at me, I can really only see the top of his head from where I am. “Are you okay? Your heart is beating really fast.” 

“Ah, Yeah!” Shit. My face is even more red now just out of embarrassment. “I’m all good.” 

He looks back down at the tv, “If you need anything let me know, okay?” I nod, even though he isn’t looking, and continue my attention to the tv.  _ Naruto  _ episode one, Naruto stealing the scroll, Iruka buying his ramen, the start of a really big adventure. I always really liked Iruka, probably because he reminded me of Marco. Both really soft hearted, both really selfless, both can bring the best out of people. With Armin so close to me, a wave of heat hits me, making my eyelids start to droop. After Armin starts to rest his hand on my leg, I allow myself to close my eyes. 

__________________________________________________________________________

My heart is pounding, I’m laying in the snow, cold and alone. I try to get up, but my limbs feel like they’re one thousand pounds each, pulling at me to stay where I was. I force myself up, to see nothing but a snowy plane for miles ahead of me, no matter which direction I look. All pure white. I start walking forward, hoping to find someone who maybe knows where I am, or what’s happening. I walk and walk, but nothing. I start to shiver, start rubbing my hands on my arms, trying to find a way to stay warm. It just keeps getting colder. I start getting desperate, and my breathing starts getting thinner. 

“Hello?” I call out, my voice much quieter than I hoped it would be. “Is anybody here?” The more I walk the icier the ground gets, making it hard for me to walk. 

“Jean.” The voice burns a whole through my body. I turn around, and he’s standing right there. His brown eyes, all the freckles on his face. He looks perfectly fine, yet there is something off about him. The way he holds himself, it isn’t like the Marco I know. 

“What are you doing here?” I question him, there’s no way this can be real. How could he be here, right in front of me, no injury in sight? 

“What do you mean?” He laughs a little to himself, the same way he always did. When Connie told a joke, when Sasha ate his food, when I layed with him, he always laughed the same way. “Do you not want to see me?” 

“No, of course I want to see you,” I start to walk toward him, eager to touch him, ask him where he’s been all this time. “Marco, I’m happy you’re here.” I hold my hand out, and look at him between my fingertips. He’s so close to me. 

“You liar. You’re not happy to see me.” He looks right at me, the same smile I always knew pasted on his face. 

“What do you mean?” My eyes start to tear up a little, I just want to see him. Tell him I’m sorry. 

“You replaced me. With that blonde.” 

“Armin? I didn’t replace you,” I start walking towards him faster. “I care about you both, Marco. I still think about you everyday.” 

“You killed me, then you just moved on,” He looks at me, his eyes dark, full of malice. “You're so selfish.” 

“Marco, no!” I start yelling, and the tears from before are sliding down on my face now, landing on the corners of my lips. “I never forgot you! I miss you everyday, Armin is helping me through things-”

“An egotistical asshole.” 

My heart drops out of my chest, and I sink to my knees, grabbing at the snow beneath me. “I didn’t mean it Marco, everybody else is okay with this, they think I should move on.” My knuckles are white from me gripping the snow, but I don’t stop. 

“Greedy. You took my life, and now you just go on with yours?” No, no, no, no. I try to yell, but my mouth seems glued shut. My face is numbing, the tears freezing to my face. “Jean, did you even love me?” 

“Jean!” Armin is shaking me, his eyes teary. “Wake up!” I come to my senses, my breathing quick and rigid. My whole body is irritable, and I can feel the nausea churning in my gut. “Oh thank god,” He lays his arm on my shoulder. “You were tossing and turning, you looked like you were in pain.” 

I jump into him and burrow my face into his neck. He smells like vanilla, probably from the cake, but I don't care. I wrap my whole body around his and hold him as tight as I can with me, like he’ll keep me safe. It’s not long until he wraps himself around me in return, and grips me with all he can muster. Tears start to drip from my eyes but I just let them slide down his neck, and hold on to him like my life depends on it. I manage to muster out an apology somehow, but he just sushes me and starts stroking my hair. It’s a calming motion, and just puts me deeper into his arms, where I clutch the back of his shirt, desperate to somehow bring him closer than he already is. All I want is to be with him, and for him to stay with me. 

“Armin,” I mutter out, still enclosed in his arms. “I'm sorry.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” He hugs me closer. “Do whatever you need to do.” 

“Marco,” He continues to stroke my head. “He was there.” 

“In your dream?” 

“Yeah,” My eyes, already puffy, start to leak a little more. “He called me selfish. For killing him then moving on.” 

“Who said you're moving on?” He lets go of me and holds me by my shoulder, looking up at me. I’m so much bigger than him, yet he still seems like he towers over me. “You’ll always remember him, won’t you?” 

I sniffle, allowing himself to pull me back into him. “I can’t forget him, even if I wanted to.” 

“That means so much, you know. About how much you cared about him. How much you still care about him. About what a great person you are, Jean.” He clutches my hair in his fist. “You are so much more than you allow yourself to think.” 

I don’t know what to say, so I just murmur another apology. I’ve never liked compliments, but from Armin, they almost seem real.

“Hey, you know you snore in your sleep?” 

“I do?” 

“Yeah, it’s really loud.” 

“What’s the score right now, like 10-3?”

“I think you might be over estimating that a little bit.” 

I wrap my arms around his neck, and pull him into me this time. His breathing feels nice on my chest, like a heater. “I might be.” 

He returns the gesture, and holds on to my waist, his hands clasped behind my back. “This is nice.” 

I squeeze him, resting my lips on the top of his head. “Yeah, it is.” 


	9. Chapter 9

“What do you mean you like Sauske?” Armin practically yells at me. 

“I don’t know I always thought he was cool as a kid.” 

“He’s literally the worst, what was little you thinking?” 

“Hey, I was like six. He has a cool design.” 

My phone buzzes, and I look at it to see a text from Connie. 

_ hey when u commin home? i got _

_ dinner if you guys want to eat _

“Yeah!” Armin exclaims, looking around my arm to read the text. “I haven't met Connie yet, I would love to meet him.” 

“You don’t want to stay here?” I make sure he isn’t just saying things. “Wait until Eren and Mikasa get back?”

“No, it’s alright,” Armin presses his hands together. “I don’t think I’ve seen your dorm yet either. You’ve already been here a couple times already.” 

“If you say so,” I look over my shoulder and look Armin in the eyes. “Warning though, Connie is- very um passionate.” 

“I’m excited to meet him!” Armin runs and grabs a brown jacket, one that reaches all the way to his knees, and puts on his glasses. His glasses look really nice on his face, resting on his nose. He grabs the bags he brought this morning and then comes back up to me. His face says he thrilled, I really can’t imagine why he’s this excited to see my dorm. 

“You ready to go?” I ask, looking over my shoulder to face him. 

“Yeah!” Armin follows me out the door and we make our way to my dorm. 

It’s still early September, but it’s pretty cold out. It’s getting pretty late, the sun is starting to set, painting the already colorful trees a warm orange. There aren’t many kids out, but there are a few couples, walking together holding hands. I automatically look at Armin’s free hand, tempting to wrap my fingers between his. 

“It’s really pretty out, huh?” Armin interrupts my thinking. “I always liked the way the sun looked, both setting and rising.” 

“Yeah, it is,” The sunset looks really nice bouncing off his skin, I notice. “It looks really nice on you.” What. My eyes automatically widen. Why did I say that outloud? Did that even make sense? How can a sunset look nice on someone?

“Ah,” Armin looks down, stopping in his tracks. 

Crap. “Armin, I’m sorry,” I muster out as many words as I can. “I didn't think before I said it, it just came out. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable-” 

“No, it’s okay.” He looks back up, his ears red and his glasses falling off the tip of his nose. He moves them back up with this finger, “I just am not used to being complimented, I guess.” He starts walking towards me again, “Thank you, Jean.”

I quickly turn back around and start walking, trying to avoid eye contact with him. “I just meant that it like, rebounds on your skin nicely and that it matches with the color of your hair, nothing like much more than that.” 

“Jean, it’s okay.” He starts laughing again, bringing his finger up to cover his mouth. “Thank you, really.” 

“Y-yeah.” I keep walking ahead. The wind is blowing through the trees, sending the leaves all over. I watch as the leaves blow throughout the sky, passing all sorts of people. One blows past me towards Armin, so I turn my head and watch as it flies by his face. Armin seems to be watching too, yet he’s shivering a lot. I cock my head to the side, “Are you cold?” 

“A little,” He starts to rub his hand on his sleeve. “I get cold pretty easily, and this jacket is pretty thin, don’t worry though.” 

Without even thinking, I start taking my jacket off and lay it over him. It’s much bigger than him, the sleeves going past his knees. I can feel my face getting hot, but I stand still, my hands still laying on his shoulders. “Here,” He looks up at me, I can’t really tell if he’s confused or surprised. “I don’t want you to catch a cold or anything.” 

He grips the sleeve with his hand, “Thank you.” 

____________________________________________________________________________

We eventually make it to my dorm, and I stop at the door before I let him in. “I um, I’m sorry in advance if it’s not really what you’re expecting.” I start to rub the back on my neck with my hand. “It’s kind of messy, and it doesn’t have any cool stuff like your dorm.”

“Well, we won’t know what I think until I see it, and I think you have a habit of downplaying yourself.” 

I unlock the door and let Armin walk in before me, locking the door behind us. Connie is sitting at the table, eating something out of a leftovers box, and his head perks up and the sound of us coming in. 

“Yo!” He gets up and holds his fist out to Armin. “You must be Armin!” 

Armin returns the fist bump in an awkward way, almost like he doesn’t know what it is. “I am, you must be Connie?” He adjusts the glasses falling on his nose. 

“Yep! The one and only!” He points his thumb at himself and makes a dramatic pose. 

“Oh god Connie, shut up.” I shove his head down and he makes an unrecognizable noise as he jumps back up. 

Armin jumps in before Connie can yell anything back, “So you guys have known each other since you were kids?” 

“That’s how it is,” Connie leans back against the wall. “When we were little no one would talk to Jean because he always ate bugs off the ground, so I had to step in and be the bigger man.” 

I smack him across the head this time, “That’s not true!” Armin giggles in the background. 

“Anyway,” Connie holds up another to-go box. “I brought dinner! It’s just some pizza from a place down the street but you can’t deny free food.” 

“Thank you for the food.” Armin smiles at Connie and follows us as we sit down at the table. Me and Connie both sit at our usual spots, across from each other, but Armin decides to take a seat right next to me, his knee slightly touching mine. 

“So,” Connie starts biting into the pizza he was eating before we got here. “Any updates on class?” 

“Oh well I turned in my essay,” I take a bite of the pizza, it’s not quite Niccolo’s pizza, but hey, still good. “He didn’t really say anything other than keep doing your assignments.” 

“Man, that guy is scary.” He points his finger at me, “Did you hear that rumor that apparently he lives with a janitor who has a murder record?” 

“I heard that he lives with a mad scientist.” Armin chimes in. 

“Oh come on you guys, that is ridiculous.” 

“Hey,” Connie chomps down on the crust of his piece. “You never know.” 

“Did he say what other stuff you have to do?” Armin chews his piece in between sentences. “I would be happy to help.” 

“Just some regular assignments,” I cover my face to hide the fact that I’m getting kind of hot. “Thank you, Armin.” I hear Connie start to snicker and I shoot him a look, which sadly does not stop him. Thankfully, Armin stays pretty clueless and just keeps on chewing. 

“You know, Armin,” Connie looks at him, a smirk on his face. “Jean picks his nose.”

“What are you ten?” I yell at him and he retreats back into his chair, trying to escape my fist.

“I’m just kidding!” He yells before I can get to him. “Jean really is a really nice person, though. He’s got lots of great qualities.” He leans over to me and covers one side of his face so Armin can’t see him. “Wing man!” He whispers to me as he leans back and winks. 

“I don’t think I have ever wanted to hit you more than I do right now.” 

“Are you guys okay?” Armin asks, obviously worried.

“Peachy!” Connie responds. All the sudden, both me and Connie’s phone’s beep at the same time, naturally, I look down. 

_ do you guys wanna get together  _

_ tonight!!!! niccolo makin pie!!!! _

“Sasha,” Connie mutters. He looks up at me, “Do you want to go?” 

I look over at Armin who doesn't have much of an expression on his face, besides the fact that he is  _ still _ chewing. “I’m alright,” I don’t really feel like dragging Armin out somewhere else, especially when we only just got here. “You're more than welcome to go without me though.”

“Are you sure?” Connie looks genuine. “I don’t want to leave you here by yourself if you don’t want to be.” 

“Nah, it’s okay,” I gesture to my left, “Armin will be here with me. Plus I don’t want to stop you from doing what you want to do.” 

“If you say so,” He starts to get up and grab his stuff. “Call me if you need anything though, okay?” I nod to him, a bit sad to hear how concerned Connie is.

“It was nice to meet you!” Armin waves at Connie as he heads towards the door. “Thank you for dinner!”

“It was nice to meet you too, short stuff!” I roll my eyes, Connie has a lot of nerve to say that, considering he was five foot one until he was like seventeen.

After Connie leaves, I start to clean up the stuff on the table, and Armin follows me, carrying his plate. “He was very nice!” He laughs to himself. “He really knows how to keep a conversation.”

“That’s Connie for you.” I take out a cup and start filling it. “He was always like that when we were kids. We got into a lot of trouble because of his mouth alone.” 

“Eren’s like that too,” He starts. “Mikasa always had to get us out of trouble.” I lead him into the bedroom where we can sit and watch tv, but feel embarrassed as soon as I get in here. “This is your room?” Armin starts to take it all in. 

Suddenly, I’m aware of everything that could be considered weird in my room. That one sock in the corner? Weird. The bent lamp on my nightstand? Weird. The bathroom door wide open? Okay, that one really is a bit weird, I should close that. “Yeah, it is,” I finally respond. “Sorry it’s a bit bland.” 

“No, don’t be! I really like it!” He starts to walk around the room, observing everything. “I think the sock in the corner really gives it character.” 

“Sorry about that.” I plop down on my bed and he follows me, sitting right next to me. I can feel a blush coming knowing that he’s on my bed, so I try to repress it with blurting things out. “Um, so are up for more  _ Naruto? _ ” 

“Of course I am,” He smiles and pulls his legs up to his chest. I start to turn on the tv and boot up the show, but shortly after Armin’s phone dings. He looks down and starts to frown, “Eren wants to know when I’m coming home.” 

“Do you need to go home?” I ask, suddenly urged to grab him and keep him here with me. 

“No, he just wants to know, worried I guess.” 

My heart jumps, “You could stay here if you want?” It was a totally unrealistic request, and a pretty selfish request at that. He doesn’t even have any of his things, there’s no way he could. 

“Would you be okay if I did?” 

“Yeah, it would be cool.” My heart is beating a million miles and hour. 

  
“Okay!” He pulls out his phone and quickly types a text. “So,  _ Naruto?” _


	10. Chapter 10

“You know, I’m gonna be honest with you,” I pop a piece of popcorn into my mouth. “Maybe Sasuke isn’t as cool as I thought he was.” 

“It took you how long to notice that?” 

I throw a piece of popcorn at him and watch as he crosses his eyes and it hits his nose. We both start to laugh but are cut short from a text from Connie.

_ hey i think ima sleep at sashas? _

_ if ur not cool with that lmk  _

_ ill come home _

I look up at Armin, eager to hear what I’m going to say. “Connie says he might not come home, are you okay with that?” 

“Yeah, it’s alright with me,” He starts picking at a piece of popcorn. “If you're okay with it too of course.” 

I shoot Connie a text back,

_ nah man its okay, ill see you tomorrow _

_ call me if u need me _

_ night _

“We’re all alone, huh?’” That comes out much weirder than I anticipated.

“Yeah!” He throws a popcorn at me this time and it lands right in my hair. I frantically shake my head trying to get it off. “It’ll be fun!” He leans over to me and picks up the popcorn that fell off my head, tossing it into his mouth.

“Okay,” I grab a handful of popcorn. “If you get one of these in your mouth I will um, continue to watch  _ Naruto _ with you.” 

“We both know you’re gonna do that anyway.” 

“Alright, what do you want?”

He puts his finger to his chin and thinks a bit, “I want to sit in the grass with you again.” 

“That’s what you want?” Butterflies waver in my stomach. 

“Mhmm,” He starts to rub the top of his head. “It was nice the first time. Sorry it’s kind of lame.” 

“No, don’t be,” I forget I’m holding the popcorn and almost drop it all over the bed. “It’s cute.” The butterflies are full force now. 

“Alright,” He brings his fist up towards his face and stares at it. “Throw em’ to me.” 

I start to count down from three, “...2...1...now!” I toss all the popcorn down towards Armin. Not to toot my own horn, but my aim was really accurate, Armin’s wasn’t as good though.

“I missed every single one!” He flops down on his back and throws his arms up. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” I pat his leg while trying to hold in a laugh. “I’ll still go sit in the grass with you.”

“That’s not the problem!” He lays his hands flat on his face. “I just can’t believe I managed to miss them all.” 

“Hey, Armin.”

“Yeah?” 

“Say ahh.” He seems confused, but he still does it and I take the opportunity to drop a piece of popcorn into his mouth. “There, You got one in.” 

“That doesn’t count!” 

“Can I request a redo?” 

“Fine,” He opens his mouth and I gently toss a popcorn into it. He didn’t move, so it was more about my aim. He chomps down on the popcorn, not looking particularly proud of himself. 

“Is that worth a sit in the grass?” 

“Maybe,” He scoots closer to me and takes a fist full of popcorn himself. “Only if you make this one.” 

I lay my hand on my heart. “I’ll have you know, Armin, I was the champion of the popcorn mouth catching contest back in ‘09.” 

“A very prestigious title to have.” He tosses the popcorn in the air and I move to catch it. It ends up falling right into my mouth, and I raise my hands up in triumph.

“A sit in the grass, please!”

“Okay,” He laughs a bit and comes back over to me. “Only for the esteemed popcorn champion of ‘09.” 

____________________________________________________________________________

We both lay on my bed, our feet touching the ground. Our arms are spread out almost to the point where our hands could touch. The room is dark, only being lit by the moon in the window. I turn my head and look at Armin. He’s staring up at the ceiling, his side profile being illuminated by the moon. His lips are slightly parted, and his eyes are scrunched as if he’s thinking about something. “What are you thinking about?” 

He turns his head and looks at me, his eyes still a bright blue even in the dark. “Why do you keep hanging out with me?” His eyes start to water a little bit, “I know why I like you. But why you? There’s really no need for you to keep seeing me if you don’t need to do any work.” 

I sit up, a lump starting to form in my throat. “What brought this up?” I know why I like to be with him, I don’t know if he wants to hear that though. 

“I don’t know,” He sits up and faces toward me, his legs criss-crossed again. “I was just thinking about it. Do I not annoy you?”

“Armin,” I lay my hand on his leg while maintaining eye contact. The closeness of us is getting to my thoughts, but I focus on him. “You have never done anything to ever annoy me. You have done so much for me, more than I could ever thank you for.” 

“Jean,” He puts his hands on top of mine, rubbing his thumb against mine. “I’m pathetic. My whole life, I’ve been nothing but a nuisance.” 

“Armin, you're not a nuisance,” I cup his face in my hands, but he averts his eyes away. His skin is soft, I can feel tears start to trickle down my fingers. “Is this about earlier with the popcorn? I’m sorry if that hurt you.” 

“No, it’s not just that.” I wipe away some of his tears with my thumb. “My whole life, all I have been is a burden. Eren and Mikasa always having to protect me, I could never do anything to help. Even if I wanted to, what could I do? I can’t do anything worth time.” 

“Armin that isn’t true, you have done so much for me.” 

“My parents,” He continues, his voice stuttering. “They died exploring the world, eager to bring me more information or pictures or anything. They died for me. And I could do nothing.” I start to stroke his cheek with my thumb, just as he did to my hand earlier. “Jean, even you. You’re so much better than me, you’re strong.” 

“I’m not strong,” My eyes squint trying to keep my vision clear from my fresh tears. “Armin, without you I would probably be crying in my bed alone right now, my mind ridden with nightmares.” 

“I don’t deserve to be friends with you.” He grips my arms. “I am just bringing you down, you could be with Connie, or Niccolo or Sasha, anyone but me. Anyone but me could be better. All I can do is help you with your stupid work. I can’t do anything useful.” 

I bring his face to mine and press my lips against his. His grip on my slowly releases and his hands drop to the bed. It was quick, I bring myself back and quickly worry about what I just did. 

“Armin, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to ruin this I didn’t mean to-” He wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me in again, our lips pressed against each other once again. I slowly lean back and hit the bed as I allow him to stay on top of me. I shoulder relax and I wrap my hands around his waist, as he rests both his hands on my shoulders. His lips are delicate against mine, my whole body is warm from his contact. My hair starts to fall into my face, but he takes his hand and brushes it away, gripping it in his hand. 

I cup his face once more and pull him away, taking a good look at his face. His hair is all messed up, his bangs going every direction. His ears are a bright red and his lips parted, slightly wet. His eyes are glossy, but such a bright blue color that still stands out in the dark of the room. “Is something wrong?” He asks, still on top of me.

“You’re really amazing.” 

His whole face turns red, the first time I've ever seen it happen beyond his ears. “I don’t know about that.” 

“Armin, I really like you.” I sit up and lean closer to his face. “I don’t know how I could convince you, but you mean a lot to me.” 

“You, you mean a lot to me too.” 

Our lips press again, and I let him lean against me. I allow myself to run my fingers through his hair, soft and smooth against my fingers. I want to pull him into me, and embrace him forever. His hands are so warm and delicate, everything about him amazes me. Our kiss gets rougher as he hovers over me, his hands lingering over my stomach. I gently guide his hands to the bottom of my shirt and let him slide them up. The touch at first is cold, but it quickly turns into a comforting warmth that spreads throughout me. He leads his hand up to my chest and I lay my hand atop of his, stopping his hand in it’s tracks. 

He pulls away from my lips, his face still a bright red. “Are you alright?” I ask, worried something might have happened. He doesn’t answer, just grabs on to me and rests his face on my chest. I start to stroke his hair, as we lay there looking up at nothing. 

“Thank you, Jean.” He starts to line the belt of my pants.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything,” I start to get embarrassed thinking about it. “I should be thanking you for always being there.” 

“Well, thank you for being here right now.” 

“Same to you.” I rub the top of his head, his hair the messiest I’ve ever seen it.

“You have very nice hands.” I realize my one hand is still on top of his.

“Well, what more could you expect from the esteemed popcorn champion of ‘08.” 

“I thought you said it was ‘09?” 

“You must be misremembering.” 

“I guess I’ll just have to trust the popcorn champion himself.” I allow myself to close my eyes and drift off to the warmth of Armin on my chest, and our hands interlocked. 


	11. Chapter 11

The sun drifts through the blinds, alerting me of the morning. My eyes are groggy, I try to cover them from the sun, but it seeps through anyway. I push my hair up that was sticking to my forehead and finally open my eyes. I’m alone in my room, I sit up and look around for any sign of Armin. I notice the bags he brought him with, now empty. I know he was here now, the only question that stands now is where he went. 

My mind immediately bounces all over the place, did he leave because of last night? Did I mess up and ruin this? Sweat starts to form on my forehead as I catch a whiff of a very nostalgic scent. Omelettes. Why the hell would I be smelling omelettes right now? I follow the smell, into the kitchen of course, and see Armin standing in the kitchen. He has all sorts of pans and bowels out, some filled with peppers or empty egg shells. He stands above the stove, shuffling something in the pan in front of him. “Armin?” I call out to him. 

“Jean!” He turns around, his glasses crooked on his nose. “Good morning!” 

“Are you making omelettes?” I walk over and stand by his side, close enough to see his nose scrunch in concentration. 

“I promised I would make them.”

“I don’t know if you promised,” I snag a pepper and toss it into my mouth, which prompts him to punch the side of my arm. “Thank you, though.” 

“It’s no problem! I know I probably won’t be able to live up to your mom’s, but I did try.” He turns around and lays two plates on the table, holding very burnt looking omelettes. “I hope you enjoy it.” He sits down and flashes a big smile at me, one that makes me want to kiss him all over again. 

“Thank you, Armin.” I take a bite, and although it isn’t the best thing in the world, it certainly is a step up from the cake. “Um, about last night,” I look down at him to see him chewing again. “Did I imagine that?” 

“Imagine what?” 

“Uh, you know.” 

He cocks his head to the side. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Oh crap. Did I really imagine that? Did I just have an extremely realistic dream? “Ah, my bad then.” I start to think about everything that happened last night, did I really just dream of touching him? 

“I’m just kidding.” 

“You asshat.” He giggles and goes to take more bites of his omelette. “So when did you wake up this morning?” 

“Not too soon before you,” He checks the time on his phone. “I had to wiggle out of your arms to make sure not to wake you.” 

“You could have woken me!” I lay my hand on my chest, a bit sad he thought we had to maneuver around me.

“No, it’s okay!” He rests his chin on his hands, “I wanted to make this for you anyway, so it worked out.” 

“Fine,” I lean back into my chair and let my head fall. “But I owe you two trips in the grass now.” 

“I will accept that offer.” 

He walks over to me and gently grabs my face, our noses close enough to bump into each other. The light of the sun reflects off his glasses, so I slowly reach up and lift them off his face. It reveals him, his eyes bright and large, full of anticipation. His lips are turned into a smile, which is strong enough to send shivers down my entire body. He leans forward and our lips touch, his hands lightly gripping the skin on my face. I reach up and place my hand on his chest, he at first reclines, but comes back into me, climbing onto my lap. His hands move down my body, now lying dormant on my neck. His fingers warp around me, holding my neck from

behind. His lips still brush against mine, starting to get moist. I want to grab him, treasure this moment forever. 

“Thanks for the omelette, again.” 

He smiles again, his cheeks red. “It’s the least I could do.” I reach up and push his hair out of his face, and slowly lean into him again, our lips getting closer. 

“Jean! You forgot to lock the door again.” I stop in place, and turn my head. Connie’s eyes are wide, his mouth sliding open. Armin is still in my lap, not moving a muscle, his lips still parted. 

“Uh, Hi.” I finally answer, I can feel my face on fire. 

Connie doesn’t answer, just walks right out the door. “I’m not coming back in there until you move,” He yells through the door, slightly muffled. “It goes against my morals.” 

____________________________________________________________________________

“So,” Connie stares at us from his bed, his eyebrows cocked. Me and Armin are directly across from him in my bed, both profusely trying to avoid eye contact. “How was your night?   
  


“It was uh, good.” I answer, looking at basically anything in the room that isn’t Connie. 

“Yeah, really good.” Armin chimes in. “We had popcorn.” 

“Oh, good.” Connie crosses his arms behind his head. “That answers all my questions.” 

I look up, “It does?”

“No it doesn’t, Kirstein!” 

“Do you want an omelette?” Armin asks, twiddling his hands in his lap. 

“You know what?” Connie starts stroking his chin. “Yeah, that would be nice.” 

“On it!” Armin fakes salutes and runs to the kitchen, obviously excited to get out of the room. That would all be fine and dandy usually, but he left me and Connie alone, neither of us really sure what to say. 

“So, how was Sasha’s?” 

“It was amazing, you should have been there.” His eyes flare, “But you were too busy making out on our kitchen table! I eat there too, dude!” 

“I’m sorry! It just kind of happened, I was in the moment!” 

“Alright,” He touches his brow, a painful smile pasted on his face. “When did this start?” 

“Uh, it kinda really only started last night.” 

“This only started last night and you're already on third base?” 

“What the hell is the third base?” 

“Making out of the kitchen table, obviously.”

“Okay, now you’re just making stuff up.” 

“Listen Kirstein, these are just the rules.” He points his finger at me, “Rule number two, always tell your best friend when you start making out with someone!” 

“I was gonna tell you-” 

“On our kitchen table, no less.” 

“Will you drop the fucking kitchen table thing?” 

“Perhaps,” He purses his lips. “Only if I get the details.” 

“Wow, you really are still in middle school aren't you?” 

“Kitchen table!”

“Fine!” I cross my arms and turn my head away from him. “We just so happened to kiss last night and also this morning.” He starts to open his mouth, but I interrupt him before he can say anything, “No, we did not kiss on the kitchen table last night.” 

“And you like him?” Connie drops any sort of smirk he had on his face, and gets completely serious. 

The question takes me off guard. “Y-yeah, I do.” My face starts to get hotter, so I revert my eyes again. 

“I will ignore the kitchen table thing for now, just because you are my best friend and I love you,” He walks over to me and places his hand on my shoulder. “However, you now have to come with me to Sasha’s again tonight, she’s having a party. Armin is welcome too, of course!”

“If that’s my only option of forgiveness.” 

“You bet it is,” He claps his hands together. “Now! I’m hungry!” He skips out the door and into the kitchen, leaving me to wonder where the hell his mood swings come from. “Extra cheese, Armin!” I hear him yell and finally follow him out. 

Armin is hunched over the stove again, his nose scrunched up, probably trying not to burn the omelette this time. Connie is practically on top of him, looking down from above his shoulder at what he’s doing. “You’re good at this, huh?” Connie turns his head to look at Armin. 

“Ah, I’m not too good,” Armin starts to scratch his head but then quickly turns back to the pan. “I just know the recipe.” 

“Better than I could do!” 

“Thank you, Connie.” Armin smiles and lays the omelette on a plate, and sets it down on the table for him. I take this chance to come over to the table myself and sit down. Armin notices me and puts his finger up to his chin, “Jean, do you want another one?” 

“No, I’m okay. Thank you though.” I start to lean over to give him a kiss on the forehead, but I am suddenly interrupted by remembering Connie is still in the room. I slowly sit back down, trying to get my face to return to it’s normal shade. Connie seems to notice and winks at me, which makes me want to bury myself under the table. 

“So, Armin,” I look up at him to see him fixing his glasses and trying to fix his hair, which brings all the color back to my face immediately. “Are you free the rest of today?”

“I think I am! I wasn't really planning on going anywhere today unless you want me to leave?”

“No no I want you to stay!” I cover my mouth with my hand, “Our friend Sasha is throwing a party tonight and I wanted to know if you want to go. Oh, she’s Niccolo’s girlfriend, by the way.” 

“Pizza guy?” 

Connie stops stuffing his face for a moment and looks up, “Hell yeah it’s pizza guy.” 

“Yeah, I would love to come!” I starts to raise his fist but quickly brings it back down and starts rubbing his knuckle. “If that’s okay with you, of course.”

“It’s a-okay with me!” Connie raises his head up again, his mouth full of food. 

“I’m cool with it too,” I smile at him, trying to reassure him that I want him there. 

“Alright!” He lets out another grin. “Do I need to wear like a tuxedo?”

“What?” Connie looks over at him, his face confused.

“A tuxedo? That’s what you wear to parties and things like that correct?” 

“I think what you have on is fine,” I say to him trying to hold in a giggle. Although, the thought of Armin in a suit is a lot nicer than I’d like to admit. 

“Okay!” Connie hops up from his seat, making Armin jump. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom and then we can all get ready!” He runs out of the room making a whooping noise as he pumps his fist. 

It makes me laugh, but I look over and see Armin isn’t really feeling the same way. He’s looking down and playing with his thumbs again, his glasses sliding down his nose. “Hey, what’s up?” I sit next to him and warp my arm around his shoulder.

“It’s just, are you sure it’s okay if I come?” He leans his head into my arm. “I would understand if you just want to hang out with your friends without me.” 

“Armin,” I grab his other shoulder and pull him closer. “I want you to come. I want to stay with you.” 

He doesn't say anything for a bit, just kinda looks into my eyes. Eventually, he speaks, “Sorry.” It’s all he says, and it’s like a hammer to my head. 

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” I kiss the top of his head. “I want you to know that I want to help you, whatever it is you may need.” 

“Thank you,” He mutters, then boosts himself up to give me a kiss on the cheek. My heart immediately flutters, and my cheek radiates heat from where his lips touched mine. I look down at him and start to pull him into me.

“Jean, again on the table?” 

“How do you keep showing up at the worst moments?” 

“It’s a special talent of mine.” 

I ignore Connie and give Armin another kiss on his head. He looks up to me, his eyes full of light. He reaches over to grab my hand under the table, lacing his fingers with mine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you everyone for all the nice comments and support! This is all making me really happy and im so glad youre like my fic! I apologize for the cheesiness of this chapter


	12. Chapter 12

“What’s it gonna be like?” Armin asks as me, him, and Connie are on our way to Sasha’s dorm. It’s not too late, but since it’s fall the weather is definitely a bit chilly. I made sure to give Armin another one of my jackets before we left. 

“Oh you know,” I turn to look at him, he’s drowning in the jacket. “Just like a hang out. Niccolo and Sasha both probably invited a couple other people.” 

“You know Niccolo is from a foreign country?” Connie tells Armin.

“He is?” Armin lights up, obviously excited. “Which one?” 

“I’m gonna be honest,” Connie starts to scratch at his head. “I do not remember. Something that’s like across the ocean.” 

“It starts with an M or something I think?” I chime in. “It’s been a while. You can ask him if you want, Armin.” 

“Yeah, sure! Maybe it’s somewhere my parent’s visited.” 

“Your parents used to travel a lot?” Connie asks. 

“Yep! We all used to go places together when we could, they loved to travel.” 

“Me and Jean went to a national park once.” 

I squint at him, “I um, really don’t think those things are similar.” 

“It’s going somewhere.” 

We keep walking till we get to Sasha’s dorm, you can hear muffled music coming from inside the room. 

“Hey!” Connie jumps in the room as soon as we open the door, slapping Sasha on the back.

She turns around, a bag of chips in her hand. “Guys! You came!” She gives Connie a hug then rushes over to do the same for me. I return the gesture, then notice her looking at Armin. “Who’s this?” She crunches on a chip. 

“This is Armin,” I put my hand on his shoulder. “He’s my um, friend.” 

“They made out on the kitchen table.” 

“Connie!” I slam my hand into the back of his head and he recoils into himself. “Shut up!” 

“It’s nice to meet you!” Armin holds his hand out to Sasha, his face slightly tinted. 

Sasha ignores his hand and immediately wraps her arm around him, Armin's head showing slightly above her arm. “Nice to meet you, Armin! Come in!” She moves out of our way and dramatically bows, allowing us into her dorm. 

There’s not that many people here, I could probably count them all on two hands. I do notice a small blonde girl in the corner with a taller brunette resting her chin on her head, and a group of three people on the couch, two tall men, about my height, with a blonde girl about a foot shorter than them. Sasha runs ahead of us to go talk to the two girls, which leaves me, Connie and Armin unsure of what to do. 

“You guys are playing  _ Mario Kart _ ?” Connie gasps over at the three people on the couch, who are indeed playing it. 

“Hell yeah!” The blonde guy raises his fist and starts pumping it in the air. “You guys want in next round?” 

“Oh hell yes I do,” Connie looks over his shoulder to us. “Jean? Armin?” 

“I’m down!” I start to walk over and Armin follows close behind. 

“If it’s okay with you guys.” 

“Of course it is,” The taller guy with the black hair smiles. “You guys are welcome to play anytime.” The girl doesn’t say anything, but nods along with him. 

Me and Armin squeeze together at the end of the couch, him practically on my lap. I shoot him a smile and he leans against my arm, his head resting. The tall guy hands us both switch controllers, and he boots up the game, starting a new one. 

“I call Bowser!” Connie yells, but before he can pick it, the girl picks it instead. “Dude!” Connie yells at her.

“Too slow.” She doesn’t even bother to look at him. 

“Come on! I called it.”

“Just pick Bowser. Jr.” I say to him. 

“Man,” Connie reluctantly clicks on Bowser Jr. and lets his head fall in an emotional performance. “He’s not as cool though.” The two guys both pick Mario and Luigi, while I pick King Boo. Armin is the last to pick, and he takes a while before he finally decides on Toad. 

“I’ll have you know, Annie here is pretty good at this.” The blonde guy points over to the girl, whose name must be Annie. 

She just shrugs in response. “I wouldn’t say that.” 

“I beg to differ!” Connie yells. “ I am the champion of  _ Mario Kart _ !” Armin laughs a little besides me.

“I’ll tell you what,” Annie says, her view still fixed on the tv. “If you win I will I’ll give you twenty bucks.” 

“Deal!” Connie agrees immediately. 

Armin pulls on my shirt and gives me a worried look. I chime in, “Connie are you sure about that?” 

“Jean! Are you doubting my skills?” 

I give up, “Whatever you say, buddy.” 

Armin whispers in my ear, “Jean, are you sure? I don’t want him to be down twenty dollars.” 

“He won’t listen to me at this point. He’s beyond comprehension.” He purses his lips then turns back to the tv, where the timer goes down for the game to start.

___________________________________________________________________________

“What?” Connie jumps up. “How did you win?”

Annie holds out her hand, “Twenty.” 

The taller one starts laughing awkwardly, “Maybe you could let him off?” 

She shakes her head, “Nope. Twenty.” 

“Man, I don’t even have twenty on me,” He looks up to me, doing puppy dog eyes. 

“Absolutely not, Connie.” 

“But, Jean!” 

“Nope.” 

“Here,” Armin stands up beside me and pulls a twenty out of his pocket, handing it to Annie. 

“Thanks.” She stuffs it in her pocket. 

“Aw man, thanks Armin!” He sits back down. “I owe you!” 

“It’s no problem!” He smiles at him and starts scratching his cheek. 

“You didn’t have to do that.” I grab onto his arm. 

“It’s really not a big deal!” He grabs my arm in return. “I’m glad to help.” 

“Do you want a drink?” I point behind me to the kitchen. He gives me a nod so we both get up and walk to the kitchen, leaving Connie to talk to the other group. I open up the fridge, “So Sasha’s usually stalked on every drink. Anything you want specifically?” 

“Water is good, please!” I pour him the drink and hand it to him, watching as he downs it. “Were you thirsty?” 

He nods, “Y-yeah, I felt bad asking.” 

I frown, “You can ask me whatever you need, okay?” I step closer to him and lay both my arms on his shoulders. 

“Thanks.” He doesn’t say anything else, but he lays his head on my chest, closing his eyes for a bit. 

“Are you alright?” I wrap myself around him, rubbing his back. 

“Yeah, this is just nice.” 

“It is.” 

“Do you wanna go sit outside? It’s kind of cramped in here.” He doesn’t answer quickly, so I automatically go back on what I said. “Ah never mind, it was kind of a dumb suggestion.” 

“No!” He looks up at me. “I would love to.” 

We both walk out the door, leaving Connie still arguing with Annie about the twenty dollars. The air is colder than before, a light wind blowing through the sky. It got pretty late, the moon is bright in the sky, lighting the ground below us. Armin is walking besides me, and I turn to see him. His face is so nice, his eyes are wide looking at everything around us. His lips are turned into a smile, his cheeks all bunched up. 

He turns to me, “Are you alright?” 

My face goes red, realizing I’ve been caught staring. “Yeah, I’m okay.” I notice a bench near us, “Do you want to sit here?” 

“Yes.” He follows me over and as we sit leans his head on my shoulder, making my stomach go in circles. “Sasha is very friendly,” He says, looking off into the distance.

“She sure is something,” I laugh. “Her and Connie always got along over how similar they were.” I swallow spit forming in my mouth. “Me and Marco were always close like they were too. We weren't really similar, but he was always there for me.” 

“He sounds like a really amazing guy.” 

“He was, we used to always hang out at my house when we were little. My mom would make us lunch and we would sit in my room watching movies. He always liked movies about people falling in love.” I grab his hand and he squeezes it. “I used to make fun of him all the time because of it. I kinda feel like an asshole about it now.” I laugh a little. “He would have really liked you.” 

“I would have loved to meet him.” 

My eyes start to water a bit, and maybe Armin could tell, because he grips my hand a little harder. I look up at the moon, is big in the sky, and it's surrounded by millions of tiny little stars. “Is the moon full tonight?” 

“Yeah, I think it is. It’s really beautiful.” 

I look at him, resting against my shoulder. My eyes are still teary, but my chest tightens and my lips start to turn into a grin. “It really is.” 


	13. Chapter 13

The wind starts to blow, and I feel Armin shudder below me. I pull him closer, wrapping my arm around him and sheltering him. The trees around us shake from the wind, sending all sorts of leaves in different directions. I can feel Armin’s breath on my arm, warming me. “Are you too cold?” I ask him, rubbing his arm. 

“I am,” He nuzzles his face into me. “But you’re helping.” 

My phone suddenly starts ringing, which is odd. I try to position myself to not disturb Armin, and pull my phone out of my bag. It’s from Connie.

I put the phone to my ear. “Hello?” 

“Dude!” He yells, almost making me retract from the phone. “Where are you? Annie is still kicking my ass, I’m losing money as we speak.” 

“Why the hell are you still betting with her?” 

“She has a way of getting into my head, man.” 

“Ah jeez Connie, I’m not letting Armin keep paying for this.” 

“Where did you guys go, anyway?” He stops for a second then speaks again, “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, we’re good. We just went outside for some air. We’ll be back in a sec.” 

“Alright, get here fast though. Niccolo’s got pizza.” 

He hangs up, and I shove my phone back in my pocket. I turn to Armin, “How much of that did you hear?” 

“Enough to know I’m giving Connie another twenty.”

“No!” I flick him in the forehead. I get up and hold my hand out to him, he grips it and pulls himself along with me. “Also Niccolo made pizza.” 

“Really?” He looks up at me immediately. 

“Yeah, he always makes stuff for Sasha.” 

He starts to pull on my arm. “Let's go then!”

“I’m coming,” My mouth turns into a smile. 

We reach the door and as soon as we open it, Sasha quickly jumps to us, putting his hands on both of our shoulders. “Guys!” She yells, her eyes teary. “Ymir won’t give the pizza back!” 

I look up in the corner to see the tall brunette shrugging, who I assume is Ymir. “Historia needs to eat.” 

The smaller blonde girl next to her starts to awkwardly chuckle. “Ymir, I appreciate it but I don’t need all this.” 

“Nonsense,” Ymir hands Historia a plate. “No need to be modest.” 

“Ymir maybe sharing would be good?” The tall one struggles to say, his face sweaty.

“Shut up, Bert.” The tall one lets his head fall down as his friend pats his shoulder in comfort. 

“Ymir!” Sasha cries out. “Please, I’m hungry!”

“Maybe we could make a deal?” Armin steps forward a bit, while still hiding behind my shoulder. “You could keep some and then we can distribute the rest?” 

“Yes!” Historia turns to Ymir, “Listen to what the boy said!” 

Ymir thinks for a second, staring at Historia. “Fine,” She sucks her teeth. “Only because you said so.” 

Sasha runs over and snags the plates from her, quickly shoving a piece in her mouth. “Armin!” She yells. “You’re a genius, thank you!” 

Armin’s ears go red, making me get red as well thinking about him. “I wouldn't say that.” He laughs a bit.

Connie runs over and slaps him on the back, pushing him forward a little. “Nice job, man! Ymir’s scary.” 

“You shut up too, pinball.” 

He points his thumb at her, “See what I’m talking about?” 

I look down at Armin, who seems a little overwhelmed by all the compliments. “You did good.” I lay my hand on his head and smile down at him, and he returns it, signaling the butterflies to flee to my stomach. 

I watch as everybody goes and grabs a plate, then retreats into their own corners of the room. Me, Armin, and Connie make our way to the kitchen, where we all sit down with our own. I look at Armin as he takes his first bite, and his face immediately goes into a smile as he chews. 

“Hey buddy, is it as good as last time?” I look behind me to see Niccolo walking up to us, his eyes directed at Armin. Armin does nothing to respond, besides vigorously nod his head, a good sign I suppose. 

“I’m glad,” He laughs. “So what’s up with you guys?” He pulls a chair over and sits opposite us. 

“Same old, same old.” Connie chews on his piece, “I got destroyed in  _ Mario Kart _ , Jean has a boyfriend, we had some omelettes this morning,-”

“Wait,” Niccolo looks at me, my face beating. “What was that second one?” 

“We had omelettes,” Connie responds, maintaining eye contact. 

“I’m just going to ignore you,” He turns to me and starts to eye Armin. “So?”

“What?” I ask, trying to cover my face. Is this really where this went? Does Connie go out of his way to embarrass me or does he just not think before he says things? By the way Connie is winking at me right now, I’m gonna go with the former. 

“Oh come on Kirstein, you know what I’m getting at.” 

My heart starts to beat fast, so I look over at Armin, to try to see what he’s thinking right now. To my luck, his eyes are literally closed as is eating his pizza, like he is in another world. Damn, Niccolo has some effect on him, I can literally almost see sparkles floating above his head. “I-I guess so,” I mutter out, looking at the floor. 

“Nice,” He rests his chin on his hand. “How’s it been going?” 

“Let’s um, not talk about this.” 

Connie perks his head up, “Third base.” 

Niccolo’s eyes widen, “Kitchen table?” 

I fall into my hands, “You’re both in on it now?” 

“Niccolo!” Sasha runs over to us and rests her chin on the top of his head. “Thanks for the food.” He looks up and kisses her chin.

Connie sighs and we all look over to him, “Man, I am lonely.” 

“Don’t say that!” Sasha protests. “We all love you!” We all nod along with her as Connie sighs again. Armin rubs his head with one hand while still biting his pizza with the other.

“How’s class been for you guys?” Niccolo breaks the tension. 

“You know, class,” I start. “Armin is helping me a lot.” He looks over at me and smiles, which almost emits a bright light. 

“It’s no big deal,” He finally talks. “I was always better at school anyway.” 

“You have Professor Smith though, right?” Niccolo asks. “I heard he’s no joke.” 

“He’s a bit hard, yeah, he’s kind of a softie inside though.” 

Sasha perks up, “Is it true that he used to be a military commander who would send his soldiers to their deaths?” 

“Yeah I don’t think so, he seems a bit young for that.” 

Sasha picks the conversation back up, “So Armin, you’re like a school whiz?” 

“I wouldn't really say that,” He touches his palm to his cheek. “It’s just cause when I was younger I wasn't really as athletic as the other kids, so I focused on academics.” 

“That’s still cool, though!” She leans closer to him over the table. “It’s like you’re a little genius!” 

Armin’s ears change color again. “Thank you,” He looks down. 

“Sasha!” I look over to see Historia calling her. “Come play!” She points over to the tv where  _ Mario Kart  _ is booted up again. 

“Coming!” She starts to pull Niccolo along with her as she walks over. “You guys should come too if you want!” She runs over and jumps on the couch, Niccolo close behind. 

“It’s getting kinda late,” Connie says. “Do you guys want to go play or?” I don’t get a chance to answer because my phone rings again, which barely ever happens once, let alone twice. I look at the caller ID, only to see that it’s my mom. “Why is she calling you?” Connie is leaning over to see my phone. “You should answer it.” 

I press the phone to my head, “Hello?” 

“Jeanie!” She exclaims. “Are you still coming home tomorrow?” 

“Tomorrow?” I start to sweat a little. “Was I supposed to?” I tug at the collar of my shirt. 

“Yes!” She scolds me. “We organized this weeks ago!”

We did? Shit. “Mom, I have class tomorrow.” 

“Come after!” She says quickly. “You can bring your friends too! They are always welcome here you know.” 

“Yeah, I know. I guess I’ll uh, be there tomorrow.” 

“I love you, baby!” She hangs up and I slowly look up to see Armin and Connie completely intrigued.

Connie raises his fists, “Road trip?”

“Connie we used to live like, twenty minutes from here.” 

“Still! It will be fun! I haven't seen your mom in a while anyway!”

“I guess,” I look over at Armin who looks like he wants to say something, but is keeping it in. “Armin um, do you want to come?” 

He fidgets with his fingers in his lap, “If you want me too, if you don’t I completely understand!”

“Of course I want you to go,” I kick his shoe with mine. “I just don’t really know how my mom will react.” 

“Oh, come on!” Connie slaps his leg. “Your mom will love him! What more could a mother want for her son then Armin? He’s like a saint.” 

“I don’t know, Connie,” Armin looks at him. “I’m not that great.” 

“You are!” It comes out of my mouth without me thinking, and as soon as it comes out my face gets red. “I mean, she would like you. Do you guys want to go tomorrow, after I get out of class?” 

“Yes!” Connie pumps his fist, and Armin nods along with him. 

“We should get going then,” I say. “I have to get up early tomorrow anyway.” 

“Why don’t you guys head out?” Connie suggests. “I want to play  _ Mario Kart  _ against Annie one more time.”

“Please be careful,” Armin says. “I don’t have that many twenty's left.” 

“Don’t you worry, Armin! I have a little trick up my sleeve this time!” 

“Connie, if you call us for another twenty I am physically restraining Armin to prevent him from giving it to you.” 

“Whatever,” He gets up and makes his way to the couch. “See you guys tomorrow morning!” He salutes us and turns around. 

I look down at Armin, staring down Connie with a worried look in his eyes. “You ready to go?” I ask him. “I’ll walk you back.” 

“Yeah,” He looks up at me. “And Jean, I really don’t have many twenty’s left.” 

___________________________________________________________________________

It’s pretty late at this point, so it’s hard to see as I walk Armin back to his dorm. The moon barely lights up the path so other than that, we have to rely on rooms that are lit up along the way. I watch Armin’s shoes as he walks, unknowingly syncing up my steps to his. “Thanks for today,” Armin says out of the blue, bringing my attention up to his face.

“For what?” I ask him, looking at his face.

“For inviting me, I had a really good time.” 

“It’s no problem, I’m glad to include you in with my friends. They really seem to like you too.” 

“I’m sure Eren and Mikasa will think the same thing soon enough,” He looks up to the sky, a breeze hitting his face. 

“Have they said anything to you today?” I ask him. 

“Mikasa did wish me good luck!” 

“For what?” 

“I guess just in general? She worries a lot.” 

“I would never have guessed that from looking at her.” 

He grins, “She really loves me and Eren, she just won’t show it through affection.” 

“You have really good friends, huh?” 

“I could say the same for you.” 

We eventually reach his door, and linger before he goes in. Neither of us are really sure what to do, we’ve been together for basically two days now, and it’s hard to say goodbye. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” I say to him.

“Yeah, you will.” He doesn’t say anything more, but he does wrap his arms tightly around me, and I return the favor. I let him stay in my arms for as long as he wants, already missing him. He grips my shirt in the bag and burrows his face closer into my chest, so I hug him tighter. 

Eventually he lets go and looks up to me, taking a chance to reach up and give me a kiss on my neck. “I will see you.” 

“Y-yeah,” I stare right at him, completely dumbfounded. “Tomorrow.”

He walks into his dorm and I hear a muffled Eren yell about how that was gross, but I ignore it and turn around. I reach my hand up to the spot where he kissed me and lay my hand over it, almost as if I want to protect it forever. 


	14. Chapter 14

My alarm clock blares and I have never wanted to sleep more in my life. That’s probably a bit of an exaggeration, but it sure feels like it right now. I hit the snooze button and smooth my hair out of my face, trying to open my eyes. What am I getting up for again? Oh right. History. I kind of completely forgot about that class. I pull the covers up to my chin and allow myself to keep my eyes closed for a bit longer. I must have fallen back asleep, because my alarm goes off again.

“Jean, for god’s sake! What is with you and that alarm!” I look over and see Connie, his head buried in a pillow. 

“What’s your issue?” 

“I didn’t get home until like three last night!” He whines. “I’m running on like four horse of sleep right now!” 

“Why the hell did you stay out so late?” 

“They started watching the  _ Notebook,  _ and I can’t just leave during that!” 

“It’s actually really easy,” I point at him. “You just get up and walk out the door.” 

“It’s not that easy!” He falls back into his pillow. “You know how I get around that movie. It always gets me.” 

“Whatever,” I wave him off and make my way to the bathroom, grabbing a towel and a new pair of clothes as I go in. I look in the mirror to see my hair all messed up, and my under eyes dark. Out of habit, I touch my face and turn it, to look at myself. I am really not looking too perfect. I decide to hop in the shower and let the warm water hit my neck, as I tilt my head and close my eyes. The water feels nice on me, like the touch of someone. 

“Yo!” Connie yells from outside the door. “Did Armin get home okay last night?” 

My hand immediately jumps up and touches my neck at the thought of last night. Us in the night looking at the moon, him hugging me outside his dorm, the quick feeling of his lips against my neck. My face quickly gets hotter, and my mind races. 

“Hello?” Connie yells again. “You good in there? Do I need to call an ambulance to carry you out of there?” 

“Y-yeah, he got home fine!” 

“Why the hell are you acting so embarrassed about it?” 

“Shut up!” I shake my head to try and clear my mind and go back to washing my body. After a bit, I hop out of the shower and grab a towel, taking another look in the mirror. I take time to examine myself, trying my best to make myself presentable. I brush my teeth, swallow my pill, and make my way out of the bathroom to see Connie sitting at the table, sipping on a cup of coffee. 

“You’re looking fancy with your little jeans,” He winks at me.

“Did I ask to have my life narrated by you?” 

“I tell the truth,” I sit down across from his and he leans closer to me. “So what time we going back home?”

“Back home?” I search my mind. Oh shit, my mom. “Fuck.” 

He snickers, “What did you forget?” He doesn’t say anything waiting for me to snap back with a snarky comment, but I only respond in stares. His eyes widen, “Holy shit, Jean. Did you really forget?” 

“It slipped my mind, okay!”

“Dude! How did you forget that we’re going? You’re even bringing your little boyfriend!”

My face gets hot at the sound of somebody else saying it. Boyfriend. Armin’s my boyfriend. And he’s coming with me to see my mom. “Oh shit, I’m taking my boyfriend to go see my mom.” 

“I’m glad it connected,” He takes another sip of his coffee. 

“Oh god, do you think I have to like, dress nice? Or like prepare a speech?”

“Why the hell would you need a speech?”

“I don’t know, I’m stressing!” 

“Well for starters, I don’t think you need a speech. And I’m sure your mom will be all over you, despite what you’re wearing.” 

“Is that an insult?”

“Take is as you will.” 

“Okay listen, Mr. fashion,” I lean back in my chair, letting my head fall. “I don’t know what to do.”

Connie looks up at me, his face in a frown. “Whatever you’re doing now is fine,” He reassures. “I’m sure both your mom and Armin will like you no matter what you decide to do.” 

“Thanks,” His words don’t cure me or anything, but they do give me some sense of hope. Like the feeling that I do know Connie cares for me. 

“Oh by the way,” He pulls out his phone and shows me the time. “You’re gonna be late.” 

I squint and look at the time,  _ 8:56 _ . When my mind puts together the time, I quickly jump up and grab my bags, running for the door. “I’ll see you after class!” I yell to Connie. “If Armin comes let him in!” 

“See ya.” 

I run across campus to make it to my class, getting in at exactly  _ 9:01.  _ I walk in the door and am crushed by dozens of stares, causing my chest to tighten. 

“Nice of you to join us, Jean.” Professor Smith looks at me, a fake looking smile pasted on his face. “Take a seat.” 

I follow his hand pointed to the back of the room, and trying to ignore my classmates giggles and I grudgingly take a seat. I hear the professor talking, but my mind can’t focus on that. All I can think about is today, and how everything could go wrong. What if my mom hates Armin? What if Armin hates my mom? What if Connie tells her about the kitchen table?  _ Shut up about the kitchen table thing, myself! _ My stomach churns and my palms start to sweat, signaling a panic attack. My heart is beating so fast, it feels like it’s gonna pop out of my chest. Why did I only just start to worry about this? Why am I so dumb-

My phone dings, and against better judgment, I decide to look at it in the middle of class. 

_ what time should i come over  _

_ today?  _

Armin. My heart rate picks up a bit more, worried about what to say. I could tell him to come now, and he can stay with Connie. Maybe I should tell him to come later and we can postpone the trip. Why am I so nervous to see my own mom? It’s not like anything has changed, Connie will be there too.

My phone dings again.

_ oh sorry! you must be in class _

_ right now:( sorry for bothering  _

_ you  _

I quickly type back. 

_ nah youre okay, you can come by now, connie is  _ _ home  _

_ ill be there right after im done _

_ kk! I’ll see you!:) _

Well, I guess I decided what’s happening. I quickly shove my phone in my pocket and start to focus on my breathing, trying to stop me from freaking out. After a bit, my heart comes back to a steady pace, and I’m able to focus on things around me. Professor Smith is presenting something on the board, and I’m not completely sure what it is. 

“-and I’ll see you all in two days.” The bell rings and he smiles to himself. “Right on time.” 

Did I really waste those whole two hours freaking out? My throat tightens a bit as people all around me get up, and make their way to the exit. I follow shortly after, not sure if I’m really excited to go home so early, but am stopped by the sound of Professor Smith clearing his throat.

“Jean,” He beckons me with his finger, signaling me to come here. 

I go up to him, and scrunch up my shoulders. We are about the same height, me being slightly bigger, yet he seems like he’s towering feet above me. “Yes?”

“You were late,” His eyes are stern. “I don’t want this to become a habit.” 

“It won’t sir, I promise.” I fumble my words. “I accidentally slept in,” It’s a lie, but it’s believable. I don’t think I can really tell I was late because I was talking to my roommate about how worried I was about taking my boyfriend to my mom’s with me. 

“I’ll keep your word on that.” He leans back on his desk, “You are aware you have another essay due next week, correct?” 

No. “Yes, sir, I am. I’ll have it done.” 

“Ask that Arlert kid for help again, your last essay was very good.” He smiles, which honestly scares me a bit, “I’ll be looking forward to it.” 

“As will I, sir.” 

He waves me away, “Now go on, don’t be late next class.” I nod to him and bolt out of there, glad to be out of his glare. 

____________________________________________________________________________

I get back to my dorm and leave my hand fixed onto the knob, nervous to go through with it. Is this really that good of an idea? Maybe I should just cancel the whole thing. 

“You asshole!” I hear Connie yell through the door. 

It provokes me to push the door open and shove myself inside. “Is everything okay?” I yell, only to see Connie and Armin sitting at the kitchen table. With a chess board sitting in between them. 

“Jean!” Armin see’s me and immediately sits up. “Yeah, everything is all good.” 

“No, it isn’t!” Connie turns around and looks at me, his lips in a pout. “Armin took my king dude!”

“It was out in the open!” Armin argues back. 

“That doesn't mean you should just take it!” 

“Okay, hold on,” I touch my hand to my forehead. “Connie, when did you learn how to play chess?” 

“Like, thirty minutes ago.” 

“You learned how to play it thirty minutes ago and you're mad that you lost?”

“Yes! I thought I would be a natural born chess player.” He holds his hands to his heart and falls over onto the table. 

I walk over and sit down besides them. “Are you good at chess?” I look over to Armin. 

“I wouldn’t really say that,” he stutters a bit. “I just play it a lot.” 

“That’s really cool,” I smile at him, and his ears get a bit red. Which in turn, makes my face go red too. 

He looks down, “Not really, there are plenty of other things I could do.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s pretty cool that you’re good at this. Most people don’t even know how.” 

“Thanks,” His knee touches mine under the table. 

“Agh! Shut up you love birds!” Connie sits back up and points at us, our faces both full of embarrassment. “Anyway, now that Jean is here, when are we leaving?”

“Oh, yeah,” Armin looks up at me. “When do you want to go?” 

“Well,” I start to sweat a bit again. “It’s not that far so we don’t have to leave right now.” 

“The early bird catches the worm!” Connie recites. 

“When has that ever applied to you?” 

“Right now!” 

“I’m excited to see where you guys are from!” Armin clasps his hands. 

“So we should get going right now,” He stands up, pushing his chair back. “Everybody got your things?” 

“Mhmm!” Armin responds. 

“Jean?” 

“I mean, I got clothes and stuff.” 

“Then let’s go!” He raises his fist up and Armin copies him, doing the same. “Road trip!”

“I don’t really know if it’s considered a road trip if it’s only half an hour away.” 

“Why do you enjoy ruining the fun?” 

I shrug, “It’s a special talent of mine.” 


	15. Chapter 15

“This song sucks,” I say to Connie while in the passenger seat. Connie is driving, and Armin is sitting behind us, leaning forward to join the conversation. 

“Too bad, so sad,” He responds, his eyes fixed on the road. “Driver gets pick.” 

“Connie,” Armin speaks up. “This song kind of just sounds like mumbling.” 

“It’s called mumble rap!” He protests, “It stays true to the name!” 

“Why would you want to listen to music where you can’t understand what they are saying?” 

“People listen to music like that all the time! Whatever, you guys suck,” He sighs. “I could drop you off on the side of the road right now.” 

I look out the window, “We’re only about fifteen minutes away now, I wager about an hour and a half, what do you think Armin?” 

Armin opens his mouth to respond but Connie interrupts him with a series of no’s. “I am not letting you guys walk! We are almost there, I’ll just turn it down.” 

“We are so close now, huh?” Armin sits up, his face eager. “Is there anything you guys wanna do while we are there?” 

“Well,” I start. “There’s not really anything special, just kind of normal town stuff. A market, a theater, some schools.” 

“Oh!” Connie exclaims. “Remember that one time in high school when we played spin the bottle in your basement and you-”

“Alright, that’s enough!” I cut Connie off. 

“What’s up?” Armin titles his head.

“Nothing!” I would really rather Armin not know about the time I kissed Niccolo’s shoe. It wasn’t even fair, it’s not my fault it landed on his shoes in the corner. “Anyway, I’m sure we could go walk around somewhere. My mom probably wants to do stuff too.” 

“That sounds fun!” He leans even closer, stretching his seatbelt. It puts an uneasiness in my chest, but I don’t say anything about it. “I’m excited to see where you guys are from.” 

“Don’t get too excited,” Connie states. “It’s pretty average.” He smirks, “But we do get to eat Jean’s mom’s cooking.” 

Armin giggles, “I’m sure her omelettes are much better than mine.”

“Don’t say that!” I argue. “Yours were good!” Which they were, just could use a bit work. 

“We’re here,” Connie parks the car and looks over to us.

“Already?” I start to pull at my collar. That was a lot quicker than I thought it would be. My heart starts to beat a little faster, nervous to walk in there.

“That was quick,” Armin agrees. 

Connie opens the door and steps out, “I’ll get stuff out of the trunk,” He shuts the door and makes his way to the back of the car.

“Are you alright?” I look behind me to see Armin staring right at me, his hand placed on the center console. 

“Yeah,” A bit of sweat forms on my palms. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“You don’t seem alright,” His eyes stare right into mine. “Is it your mom?” 

“I don’t really know,” I sigh, moving my hand closer to his. “I guess I haven't seen my mom in a while, and it’s weird to be back here.” 

“It’s weird?” He gets what I was trying to do and wraps my fingers in his. 

“I just, I guess I have a lot of memories in that house,” An honesty finally comes to light. “It will be hard to remember them again.” 

“It will be okay,” He strokes my hand with his thumb. “Me and Connie will be able to take you back anytime you need, and your mom would understand.” 

“Yeah,” Maybe he’s right. It will be okay. The hardest part is going in, then it will be all fine. I let out a big breath, “Thanks.” 

Me smiles at me, “I’m glad.” 

Before I can ask for what, Connie opens the door besides me. “What’s taking you guys so long? I’m hungry.” 

“Alright, we’re coming,” I make my way out the car and meet with everyone else in front, carrying my stuff. We make our way to the porch and stand in front of the door, them both expecting me to knock. My stomach churns just looking at the door. The same door I’ve been used to my whole life, feels so distant to me now. I just have to knock, it’s such a simple task, but there’s something in my body stopping me from completing it. 

“Hey,” Armin grabs onto my sleeve. “It will be alright.” Connie nods with him, giving me a reassuring grin. 

I just have to do this. Then everything else will be easy. Holding my breath, I muster up all my strength and bring my fist to the door, knocking it a few times. I hear feet shuffling around, and before I know it, the door opens right in front of me.

“Jeanie!” My mom wraps her arms right around me and starts kissing my face. 

I pull her off, “It’s nice to see you too, mom.” I shoot Connie a glare who’s snickering besides me. 

My mom looks beside me and lights up again at the sight of Connie. “Oh and Connie came too!” She wraps him in a hug as well. 

“Glad to see you too, Mrs. Kirstein,” He smiles in her arms and pats her on the back. 

“Oh, you both got so tall!” She steps away from Connie and takes a look at us. In all honesty, we are probably the same height as the last time we saw her, she just still can’t believe it. “And who is this?” She points at Armin who steps out from behind me, letting go of my sleeve. 

“Mom, this is Armin,” I stammer over my words. “He’s um, my boyfriend.” 

“It’s very nice to meet you, ma’am,” He holds his hand out to her, similar to how he introduced himself to Sasha. 

“Oh!” My mom gladly takes his hand and shakes it up and down. “It is certainly nice to meet you too, Armin.” A breath escapes from my chest, and a feeling of relief washes over my body. That’s one thing solved. “Is Jean being good to you? He can be such a pain in the ass sometimes.” 

“Mom!” 

Armin laughs, “Yes, he’s been very good. Thank you for allowing me over.” 

“How polite you are!” My mom directs her eyes at me and tries to give me a discrete reassuring nod. Connie and Armin would have to have been blind not to see that. “Come on in, all of you! Get settled!” 

We follow my Mom into the house, greeted by a warm smell of comfort. It’s odd to be here, but it is my home. The walls are covered with pictures of me, some I would really prefer Armin didn't see. I look over to see Armin staring at the wall, right at a specific picture. The picture he’s looking at is a picture of us when we were younger. Connie and Sasha are making faces with Niccolo standing up straight besides them. Next to them me and Marco stand together, our arms wrapped around each other. He looks so happy in the picture, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. 

“Is that Marco?” Armin asks me, his eyes still on the picture. 

“Yeah,” I swallow, my throat starting to feel clogged. “That’s him.”

“He seems like a really nice guy.” 

“He was.” 

Connie coughs, seeming like he’s trying to break out of an awkward situation. “Man,” he says. “Look at my acne in this picture.” 

I go along with him, trying to convince myself too. “It is pretty bad.” 

“Hey,” He smiles. “It’s not that bad. Let’s go,” he waves his hand towards my mom and we both follow.

We walk into the kitchen to see my mom over the stove, her hair pushed back. “I’m just making some dinner!” She turns around to look at us. “Jean why don’t you take them upstairs? You guys can put your bags down.” She turns back around and puts her focus on the pan in front of her, “I’ll call you guys down when it’s ready.” 

“Thanks, Mrs. Kirstein!” Connie turns around and makes his way to the stairs that lead to the upper floor. 

“Yes, thank you a lot,” Armin says to her, his hands at his waist. 

“Don’t thank me!” She waves us off, “Go enjoy yourself.” 

I guide Armin upstairs and into my room, where we find Connie already sprawled out on my bed, scrolling on his phone. “Well, this is my room,” I tell Armin, ignoring Connie for the moment. 

Armin walks in and takes a second to let everything in, then sits at the foot of my bed near Connie. “I like it! I like all your  _ Avatar _ posters.”

“Yeah, well,” I sit down next to him and lean back on my hands. “I had a phase when I was little and just never bothered to take them down.”

“Nope,” Connie looks up at us. “I very specifically remember you crying over Zuko in high school.”

“Shut up, Connie.” 

Armin laughs, “I was personally more of a Toph person.” 

“I can’t believe we’re here,” Connie puts his phone down. “It feels like it’s been forever.”

“It must be weird for you guys, huh?” Armin looks up at the ceiling. “When was the last time you’ve been back?”

“It’s been almost a year and a half, I would think.” We both left soon after Marco died, trying to find some sort of new environment. “It’s definitely a bit jarring to be back.” I flop down on my back, and Armin follows me, resting his head on my chest.

“It’s nice here,” Armin grabs my hand. “It’s very homey, if that makes sense. I was from a really crowded area, so there wasn’t much free space.” 

“That must be pretty cool, though,” Connie responds. “Like there are so many people, there is always someone around when you need them.” 

“That is true,” Armin grips my fingers a little tighter. “But sometimes it’s nice to only have a few people that you need.” 

Connie stretches and yawns, “Yeah, I guess so. So what’s going on sleep arrangement wise?” 

“Oh well,” I put my finger to my chin. “I thought you could sleep in the guest room, and Armin could stay in here with me.” 

He squints his eyes, “Is your mom gonna be okay with that?” 

“It’s not like we’re fifteen, Connie. She’ll be fine with it.” I think for a second, “Maybe.” 

“Well, we can figure that out later,” He sits up and smirks at Armin. “Hey, Armin, wanna look through Jean’s drawers?”

“What are you even hoping to find?” 

“Secrets.” 

“A photo of Prince Zuko, maybe,” Armin suggests.

“I hate you both.” 


	16. Chapter 16

“I wish I had a cute girl to blow on my dice,” Connie sighs and looks at me. 

“Absolutely not, roll the damn dice.” 

“Alright, alright,” He throws the dice onto the board, revealing a one and a two. “Lame, Where did I land?” 

“Okay,” Armin picks up a card. “Do you want to buy Pacific Avenue for three hundred?”

“Hell yeah I do,” Connie hands Armin a wad full of cash and takes the card for him. “Jean, trade your Pennsylvania Avenue with me!”

“Hell no,” Somehow we ended up playing _Monopoly,_ despite my initial protest. This game takes what feels like a year to complete, so I argued against it. Yet, here we are. “There is no way I am letting you have more green properties.”

“Stingy,” He looks away from me in a pout. “Armin! Roll!” Armin continues to snack on a bowl of Cheez-itz we have laying around and rolls the dice. Two ones come to light on the board. “Oh hm, snake eyes.” 

Armin’s face goes sad, “Isn’t that like, the worst roll you can get?” 

“Not really,” I look at him and flash a smile. “You can roll again after cause you rolled a double. The real worst roll in the game is what Connie rolled earlier.” 

“Damn, really?” Connie flops to the floor. “ _Monopoly_ is hard as balls.” 

“You’re the one who wanted to play it.” 

“Yeah, but I thought I would be winning, so now it’s disappointing.” 

I bring my knees up to my chest and hug them, “I feel like we’ve been playing this for hours, what time is it?” 

“About five,” Armin looks over to me, slowly chewing. “Your Mom’s been cooking for a while, is she okay?” 

“Yeah, she’s good.” I scoot over to Armin and lean on him, my back on his shoulder. “She’s always like this whenever she cooks, nonstop.” 

“That’s very nice of her,” He looks down. “I do feel bad that I’m not doing anything.” 

“Don’t feel bad!” Connie looks up from the floor. “She probably wouldn't let you anyway. Mama Kirstein is very specific about her food.” 

“As dumb as that sounds,” I shoot Connie a glance. “He is right, she’s super private about that stuff. But she does love when people enjoy it.” 

“That’s good to know,” He looks away. 

“By the way,” Connie bits the inside of his cheek. “How long are we planning on staying here?”

“Not too long,” I respond. “We’ll probably leave tomorrow, I didn’t pack much clothes anyway,” My eyes flash open. “Shit! I forgot my pills back at the dorm.” 

Armin turns his head back towards me quickly, his eyes a little wet. “Are you gonna be okay without them?” 

Will I? I don’t think I’ve ever missed a dose. The thought of even going a day without starts to make my skin crawl. My mind starts to flash with what could happen tomorrow without them, anxiety attacks, heart pounding, my breathing shortening. “I’ll be fine,” I lie. “I can just take it tomorrow when we get back there’s no need to rush out.” 

“I can go get them for you,” Connie sits up and turns towards us. “After dinner I can run back and grab them. I’ll get some other things while I’m there too.” 

“Are you sure?” I bit my lip. “You don’t have to do it if it’s too out of the way, I’ll live.” 

“Nah, It’s okay.” He waves me away, “I think I forgot my phone charger there too.” 

“You can borrow mine,” Armin speaks up. “I can go grab it instead.”

“No really, it’s fine. I have no issue going over there, I am the best driver out of all of us after all.” He places his hand on his chests and poses. 

“Any thanks I had for you just completely disappeared.” 

“You know you love me.” Maybe. “Anyway,” He stretches. “It won’t take too long anyway, I’ll be there and back before you know it.” 

“Thanks, Connie.” 

“No prob! That’s what friends are for!” 

“Jean!” My ears perk up and the sound of my mom yelling my name. “Come down!” 

“Aw, yeah!” Connie jumps up and starts making his way down the stairs, going down three steps at a time. I can hear the banging. 

I stand up and dust my pants off, then reach my hand out to Armin. “Let’s go.” 

He grips my hand and stands up, not letting go when he gets to his feet. “I’m glad I know you.” 

It takes me by surprise, “What?” 

“That’s what I was gonna say in the car yesterday. I’m glad I know you.” 

My stomach completely turns into butterflies, I quickly looks away to avoid him seeing the look on my face. “I’m-, glad I know you too.” I pull him and start walking. 

We get down to see a whole table full of food plated before us, Connie already sitting down in the same seat he always sat at. My mom stands at the foot of the table, waving us over as soon as we make eyes contact. “You take so long! Come sit!”

I take a seat next to Connie, and Armin sits besides me as well. Me and Armin both stare at the table, amazed by the amount of food, yet Connie has already managed to start shoving stuff into his mouth. “What are you two waiting for?” My mom snaps her fingers towards me. “Dig in!”

“Thank you so much for cooking!” Armin bows his head to my Mom. 

“You don’t have to thank me, blondie! You liking my meal is thanks enough.” 

“Thanks, Mom,” I look at the table in front me. Niccolo is great at cooking, but he lacks the nostalgic and comfortable taste my Mom’s food has. 

“Yeah!” Connie agrees, his mouth full. 

“How are Sasha and Niccolo doing?” My mom asks, waving her fork in the air. 

“They are good,” I say as I put my first helping of food into my mouth. It’s really good, my mom _has_ always prided herself on her cooking. “We still see each other often.” 

“Is Sasha still a hungry, little thing?” 

“Of course she is.” 

“You should bring them some of the leftovers when you leave tomorrow, I’m sure they would love it!”

‘I can do it, Mrs. Kirstein,” Connie volunteers. “I have to run back after dinner anyway to grab things, I can just drop it off while I’m there.”

“Aw, thank you Connie!” She pats him on the shoulder, well more of a smack. “I’ll make sure to pack up some leftovers after dinner, make sure to tell them I said hello too. Now,” She flashes looks between me and Armin. “Why don’t you tell me a little bit about you guys?” 

“Well,” I try my best to not make eye contact with her. “Armin’s an oceanography major. Oh, and he’s a tutor too, he helps me with History.” 

“Oceanography?” She looks surprised. “You like the ocean?” She eyes him.

“I do, yeah,” He smiles. “It has always interested me ever since I was a kid, my parents loved it as well.” Hearing him talk like this puts me at a calm, just like that day in the library. 

“And Jeanie is treating you okay? He was quite a pest when he was younger, poor Connie over here always having to put up with him.” Connie chokes on his food in the background.

“Mom!” I yell.

“Just jokes! He was a very well behaved child, except for his phase where he always locked himself in his room, doing god knows what-”

“He’s very good, yes!” Armin interrupts her, his ear turning a slight red tint. “He helps me a lot when I need it!” 

“If he’s ever out of line, just give me a call.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

“Well,” Connie stands up, pushing the chair behind him. “I should get going if I want to be back. Thank you again for the food!”

“Lemme pack you up some leftovers for Sasha and Niccolo real quick!” My Mom runs into the kitchen, carrying bowls with her. 

“Thanks again, Connie,” I look up at him. “You don’t have to do this.” 

“It’s no problem! I’ll be bringing Sasha some food too so it’s a win-win.” 

“Stay safe out there too,” I add. 

“Jean, when’s the last time you ever saw me mess anything up?”

“Like a half an hour ago?” 

“That was a fluke.” 

My Mom comes rushing back into the dining room, hands full of all sorts of tupperware. “Make sure to tell them I said hello!”

“You got it,” He waves to my Mom then turns to us. “I’ll see you guys in a bit!” He salutes to us and we both wave back and he exits the door and leaves. 

“Thank you again for the meal,” Armin turns towards my mom. “It was very good.” 

“Thank you for eating! Now you boys can head upstairs, I’ll clean up.”

“Mom,” I protest. “We can help you, you know.” 

“Nonsense, go have fun! I’ll wait for Connie to get back.” 

“Thanks, Mom.” 

“No thanks!”

I take Armin up to my room and we both sit at the foot of the bed. It’s kind of cold in my room, as the window is slightly jarred open. “Man, your Mom is a super good cook,” He looks up at me. “Her omelletes were indeed a lot better than mine.”

“Hey, yours were pretty freakin’ good.”

He giggles a bit, “Thank you.” 

I look to him, “Do you think Connie will be alright? It’s getting kind of dark out.” 

He scooches closer to me and crosses his legs, “He will be okay! He seemed like a very good driver earlier.” 

“I guess you’re right,” I sigh. “I can’t help being a bit scared for him though.” 

“Don’t worry,” He lays his hand on my thigh. 

“Yeah, I shouldn't be worrying this much,” My face goes hot at the touch of his hand.

“Jean,” He moves closer to me, his head inching nearer to mine. Our noses almost touch. “Can I kiss you?” 

“Yeah,” My chest tightens immediately, a warm feeling emitting from it. 

He moves even closer to my face until he gently presses his lips to mine. It’s a quick kiss, but it’s enough to make me fall head over heels. He pulls away and looks me in the eyes, his mouth in a smile. 

“Can I kiss you again?” 

“Yeah.” 

  
  
  


I pull him closer to me again, pressing my lips against his this time. His lips are soft and careful against mine. I drag his body on to mine and he climbs onto my lap, gripping the upper half of my shirt. I run my fingers down the back of his shirt and wait as he lays his fingers on mine and guides my hand under his shirt. His skin is light and smooth on my hand, warmth radiating off of him. I reach up and lay my hand on his bare chest, our lips still in contact. 

His lips tear away from mine, and he’s left staring into my eyes. He really is cute. “Jean, thank you for inviting me here.” 

“Thank you for coming.” 

His fingers reach to the bottom of my shirt and flashes me a worried look. I give him a smile, and he continues to lift it off me, propelling back into my lips. His legs wrap around mine and he pushes closer into me, his arms wrapped around my neck. I pull him closer into me, our body's touching, suddenly the room doesn’t feel that cold anymore. 

“I want to stay with you forever.” 

He smiles at me, his eyes a bright blue in the light. “Me too.”


	17. Chapter 17

“Hey, Armin?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Why the hell would you do that?” 

“Well I mean,” He points at the  _ Connect 4 _ board. “You kind of just let me set that up.” 

“That doesn’t mean you had to go through with it.” 

He crawls over to me and kisses my cheek, “I’m sorry.” 

“Maybe you’re forgiven.” I lean over and rest my head on top of his, “Are you like, secretly a board game master or something.” 

“I don’t think so, unless I am forgetting a very vital thing that has happened in my life.” He starts to slowly stroke my leg, “Also I’m sorry about earlier.” 

“What for?” I can’t think of a single thing he did. 

“When I was talking to your mom at dinner, I just kind of blurted stuff out.” He moves his head closer into me, “I’m sure it embarrassed you.” 

“Don’t be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong.” I scratch my nose, “In all honesty, it’s better than you saying I never do anything.” 

“I really do feel bad though, if I ever say anything out of line please let me know.” 

I laugh and kiss the top of his head, “I’ll let you know.” All of the sudden, I hear a loud grumble. It takes me a while to realize it’s coming from Armin. “Hey, are you hungry?” 

His ears turn red and he looks away, “A little. I’m alright though,” He stammers. “No need to do anything!” 

“We might as well eat while we are here, we might never eat again.” 

“I think that’s a bit of a stretch.” 

“Hey, you never know,” I stand up, pulling him with me. 

We make our way down the stairs to see my Mom sitting in the kitchen, reading some sort of magazine. The sound of our steps alerts her and she perks her head up, “What are you guys doing?” 

“Hungry,” I say. No need to dance around the subject.

“That’s because you don’t eat enough!” She slams down the magazine, which sends chills down my spine. “I’ll get you guys something.” 

“Thank you,” Armin says to her, coming out from behind me.

“You are too polite!” She covers her mouth with her fingers then quickly turns around, making her way to the fridge. 

I take a seat at the table, pulling out a chair for Armin next to me, “Has Connie come back at all?” 

“I don’t think so, unless he somehow snuck in through the window,” She laughs to herself, like she made the funniest joke in the world. “Have you gotten in touch with him?”

“No,” I mentally hit myself for not thinking of that, it could have saved me a bit of worrying earlier. “Do you think I should?” 

“Maybe,” Armin puts his fingers to his chin. “If he’s driving you don’t want to disturb him, though.”

My phone starts ringing, surprising me. I look down to see it’s coming from Sasha. “It’s Sasha. She’s probably calling to tell me where he is right now, maybe he just left, he always was bad with time.” 

I bring the phone up to my ear, “Hello?” 

“Jean,” Her voice sounds broken, like her words are barely making it out of her mouth. I can hear silent sobs coming from her as well. 

“Sasha, are you okay?” My heart jumps a little in my chest, worried about her. “Tell me what’s wrong.” 

“Connie,” She stops and swallows, taking a deep breath. “He got hit by a car.” 

“What?” My legs start to shake and my throat immediately forms a lump. “Is he okay?” 

“I don’t know,” She starts sniffling. “We were walking towards his car when all of the sudden one came out of the blue and slammed into him. Niccolo called an ambulance immediately and he was out cold.” 

Connie got hit by a car. Connie got hit by a car because I forgot my pills. Connie got hurt because of me. Connie might die because of me. It’s my fault. I can’t feel my face, all I can tell is my stomach feels like it’s gonna turn itself inside out. “Sasha, where are you right now?”

“A hospital close to the dorm, it was down the street,” She stutters while she speaks. “I can send Niccolo to come pick you up it won’t take that long-”

“I’ll be there,” I press the end call button and instantly head towards the door to grab my shoes, looking for my Mom’s car keys as well. My head isn’t clear right now, all I can think of is him. 

“Jean? I can go with you,” Armin jogs up to me, starting to raise his hand up to grab me. “It will be okay, I’m sure he’ll be alright.” 

Something inside me snaps. “No, it wont! You don’t know that, so stop telling me!”

He seems stunned and steps back, his eyes watery, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” 

“Stop!” I yell at him. “I can’t do this right now,” My head starts pounding and my breath starts getting choppier as I speak. “I have to go.”

“I can go with you,” He says again. “I can help.”

“You can’t help! Stop trying to help! I don’t need your help!” 

My mom steps towards us, “Jean, stop it.” 

“I can’t do this again,” I cover my ears with my hands, trying to calm my breathing. As much as I try, nothing is working. “Mom, I can’t do this again.” I think I start crying, but I can’t convince myself to care. 

“Jean, please,” Armin steps towards me, his hands folded. 

I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to touch him, “Leave me alone,” I turn around, grabbing my Mom’s keys, and leaving the door wide behind me. 

____________________________________________________________________________

I haven't driven in a while. It’s odd I can still do it on my own. I sound of the cars driving along the road seep into my mind, causing tears to blind my vision. I wipe them away and try to focus on the road, even though my mind is elsewhere. Would Connie have been okay if I texted him? If I just wasn’t such a fucking idiot and didn’t forget my pills at home, if I didn’t let him go, if I did anything differently, things would have been different. This wouldn’t have happened. 

I drive for an unknown amount of time, but it feels like no matter how much I drive I’m still hours away from Connie, like I’ll never get to him. I subconsciously drive towards school, and when I recognize I’m close, I take a turn, making my way to the hospital. I barely remembered to close the door because by the time I get out of the car, I’m practically sprinting into the doors. My face is full of sweat when I bust through the doors, and I frantically look around until I see Sasha and Niccolo in the corner, Sasha laying in his arms. 

“Sasha?” I run up to them, my eyes tired from the tears. “Where is he?” 

“We haven’t been able to go in yet,” Niccolo looks up at me, stroking Sasha’s back. “They have to make sure if he’s alright, I guess.” 

Bullshit. What if we can’t see him again? Why can’t they just let us in now just in case? I slam my fist against the wall “Fuck,” I whisper under my breath.

Niccolo laughs, devoid of all happiness, “We don’t have the best luck with cars, huh?”

“Niccolo,” Sasha stops him. “This isn’t the time.” 

“What do you mean this isn’t the time?” His eyes get wet. “Are we just going to ignore this is Marco all over again?” 

“Stop,” I snarl, my throat tight. “This isn’t the same thing.” 

“Jean, they both got hit by a goddamn car! Of course it’s the same fucking thing!” 

“It’s not the same thing!” Sasha releases herself from her arms. “Connie will be alright,” A tear falls down her cheek. “He has to be.” 

I hit my back against the wall and sink down to the floor, rubbing my hand on my forehead. “This is my fault. He went back to the dorms because of me.” 

“Jean, it’s not your fault,” Niccolo looks at me. “You couldn’t have known this was gonna happen.” 

“It was a direct result of my actions.” I can hear my heartbeat in my ears, “I killed my best friend two years ago. I killed someone I loved.” I don’t try to stop anything from coming out of my eyes, I just let it fall. “And now I’m gonna have killed Connie.”

“You know, Connie wouldn’t like you saying this,” Sasha says, her head facing the floor.

“I know.” 

We sit in silence for god knows how long, all I know is my brain is running with thoughts. It hurts to think right now, but that’s all I am able to do. I’m so tired, all I want to do is go to sleep, with Connie sleeping in the bed besides me, just like we do every night. I want to make fun of him, I want him to laugh at me, I want him to make me coffee in the morning, just like we always do. I want him to be here. But I fucked it all up, just like two years ago. I ruined everything, and all I can do is sit here and wait. 

“You guys are family of Mr. Springer?” I look up to see a doctor standing before us, his face guarded by a face mask. 

“Yes, can we go see him?” Niccolo stands up, the doctor having multiple inches on him. 

“You guys sure are a very different looking family,” He snickers to himself, and I’m not really in the mood. “But yes, you can go in,” It cues us all to stand up. “He is doing fine for now, some head damage and fractures to his legs, but other than that he’s up and running.” 

“Yes, thank you, sir,” Sasha bows to him and well all beeline our way to his room. 

We almost get stuck in the doorway trying to get in there at the same time, and we are met with Connie sitting in his bed. His head turns to us as soon as we step in, and his face turns sympathetic. “Hey, guys.” We all seem to have the same idea at the same time, because we all jump towards him and wrap him in our arms, tears probably flying everywhere.

“Connie!” Sasha yells. “I’m so glad you're okay,” 

“Me too,” Niccolo squeezes tighter, prompting a squeal out of Connie. 

“I’m glad to see you guys too, but,” He throws his hands up, “I’m kinda broken here and you guys are on your way to breaking me a bit more.” 

We all jump back, instinctively throwing our hands behind our backs. “Um,” I struggle to get the words out of my mouth. I swallow back the lump forming in my throat, “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m pretty hyped up on painkillers right now, so I don’t feel nothing!” He flashes us a grin. “Although now that you mention it I’m kind of hungry.” 

“Hospital food is always good!” Sasha wipes away her tears and puts on a smile.

“I don’t know what kind of hospital food you're eating,” Niccolo steps forward. “But I could whip you up a whole meal! Anything you want!” 

“Could I get maybe a five course meal consisting of the finest ingredients you have to offer?”

“Of course, my liege,” He gives a bow. 

“Oh, Sasha!” Connie calls out. “Do you still have the bag?”

“Yeah, I picked it up before the ambulance came to get you,” She runs into the corner of the room and retrieves a bag I didn’t know she had, then hands it over to him.

“Thanks,” He starts rummaging through it, like he’s looking for a certain item. “Here we go,” He pulls his hand out of his bag to reveal my pill bottle. He hands it over to me, “Here, Jean.” 

I take it from him, my eyes getting harder to see out of. “You asshole,” I laugh. “I didn’t need this.” 

“My treat.” Sasha rubs his head as we all sit besides him, in a comfortable silence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone so much for all the immense support i've been getting!!!! I love you all very very much!!!! Hope you look forward to more:)


	18. Chapter 18

The sunlight seeps in through the curtains, alerting me of the morning. I open my eyes and am greeted with the sight of my dorm, yet I can’t remember how I got here. I sit up and take a look around, but I seem to be alone.

“Connie?” I yell out, thinking maybe we got to go home early. When there’s no response, I give up and make my way into the kitchen. It seems empty, until I notice somebody at the table, somehow blurred in my vision. 

“Hello?” I call out, my brain starting to worry. “Who are you?”

“You don’t remember me?” 

My throat shuts close, am I supposed to know who this is? “No, I’m sorry. Who are you?” 

“It’s Marco.” 

Marco? No, that’s not right. Why would he be here? Why can’t I see him?

“What? Did you forget what I looked like?”

“Huh?” My heart jumps, that’s not right. “Of course I remember what Marco looks like, I just saw his picture the other day. He has black hair and brown eyes, and freckles covering his face,”

“Then why can’t you see me?”

I retract back at the question, “I don’t know, maybe my eyes are messed up or maybe I’m tired.” 

“Maybe it’s because you don’t care about me.” 

“What? Of course I care about you,” I think about him all the time, there’s no way I couldn't care about him, he was such a big part of my life. And then he just disappeared from it. 

“I think it’s because you are selfish. You don’t care about anyone.” 

“That’s not true, I care about you so much.”

“What about Armin? You left him alone, he was so worried about you, and what do you do? You yell at him, you make him cry.” 

“Armin,” The memories of yesterday come flooding into me. Why did I do that? Just because I was freaking out didn’t mean I had to do that, I could have let him come with me. He could be here with me right now. 

“You ruined everything with him. You never even cared about him, huh?”

“No! I liked him a lot, I wanted to stay with him,” I try to grab the think in front of me, but my hand phases right through it. “You’re not right!”

“You don’t deserve him, anyway. Maybe it was good you crushed his feelings.” 

  
  


My eyes jump open and I find myself still in the hospital room, Sasha and Niccolo passed out on some chairs next to me. I must have dozed off last night in here. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself down, my heart beating one hundred miles an hour. 

“Don’t forget to take your pills,” Connie says to me, alerting me of his presence.

“How long have you been awake?” 

“An hour or so,” He turns his head to look out the window. “They had to come in to change my IV, and I was never able to fall back asleep.” 

I frown just looking at him, “How are you feeling?” 

He turns back to me, grinning, “I’m feeling good considering I got hit by a damn car.”

“Man, Connie,” I mess with my fingers in my lap. “I can’t believe this happened, I never would have let you go if I knew.” 

“There’s no way you could have known, Jean.”

“I know, it’s just-”

“I miss Marco, too,” He interrupts me. “It’s odd this happened twice, but it really is different being on the other side of things.” 

“What do you mean?” I sit up and lean towards him.

“Well last time we both saw Marco get hit. We saw him jump in front of the truck.” he clenches his fist, “I remember feeling like an asshole. Maybe I could have done something to help him, or maybe I could have stopped the whole thing from happening, but I couldn't do anything anymore, cause he was gone already. I would never know what he was thinking” He unclenches his hand and lets it lay on his lap, his fingers spread. “But this time it was me on that side now, I was in his position. I didn’t feel any guilt, I didn’t feel any anger, or even remorse. All I felt was thankfulness, that you guys were alright. And I was okay with that.” 

“Connie,” I don’t know what to say to him. “I’m sorry this whole time I’ve been such a dick-wad.”

“Dick-wad?” He covers his mouth to keep himself from laughing. 

“Shut up, I mean, this whole time I’ve been so focused on myself, when you were obviously just as troubled as me.” 

“You shut up,” He pushes himself up in his bed, now sitting up straight. “You know I want you to be okay, right? Don’t feel guilty for needing help, and especially don’t feel guilty for focusing on yourself. It’s what you need.” He smiles at me again, “Plus, you do help me whenever I need. I could have been twenty bucks shorter right now.” 

“I’m pretty sure that twenty rightfully belonged to Armin,” I feel like I’m not even allowed to say his name. 

“Ah, right!” He suddenly remembers, “How is Armin? Is he okay? How did he get home?”

“I don’t know,” I look away from him, my guilty conscious eating at me.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” He looks worried, “Has he not texted you?”

“I sort of freaked out on him, when Sasha called me.” My mind continues to yell at me, “I was an asshole, and I yelled at him when he was trying to make sure I was okay.” 

“Did he get back to the dorms?”

“I don’t know, I left him there.”

“You left him there?” He yells.

“What are we talking about?” Sasha rises, rubbing her eyes. 

“About how I’m an asshole.” 

“Jean,” She lays her hand on my shoulder, her face sad. “You’re not an asshole.” 

“Thanks but, I yelled at Armin’s attempt at helping me to stop freaking out and then abandoned him at my mom’s with no car.” 

“Yeah,” Niccolo stretches his arms out. “You’re an asshole.” 

“How long have you even been awake?” 

“Long enough to deduce your asshole status.” 

I sigh, sinking into my chair, “I just think I messed everything up.” 

“Have you tried texting him?” Sasha reaches into her bag and pulls out a pack of crackers. 

I sit up quickly searching for my phone, “I haven’t, I don’t know why that didn’t occur to me.” I find it under the chair I was sitting at, but all I see is a text from my Mom.

_ Armin left someone picked him _

_ up... Let me know when you are _

_ coming back there is no way you _

_ are keeping my car… _

“Shit, I forgot I took my Mom’s car,” I slam my hand against my forehead. 

“We can follow you back and take you home,” Niccolo suggests. “In the meantime, just text Armin.”

“Yeah,” I shoot a text to Armin. 

_ hey, are you okay? im sorry about last night,  _ _ lmk _

I wait a couple minutes, but no response is in sight. “I fucking ruined it,” I collapse back into my chair, letting my phone fall. 

“Maybe he is just busy?” Connie tried to help. “He could be in class.”

“I guess so,” I don’t really think that’s the answer, though.

“Hey,” Sasha places her hand on my shoulder. “We can go see him after maybe?” 

“Yeah,” I really doubt he would want to see me. I can just imagine Eren saying ‘ _ I told you, he was selfish.’ _

“You guys should get going,” Connie points towards the door. “You don’t want to keep your Mom waiting.” 

“I don’t just want to leave you here alone,” I frown.

“I’ll stay with him,” Sasha volunteers. “Niccolo can follow you.” 

“I’m cool with that,” He starts to stand up. “We’ll be back as soon as possible.” 

“Thanks, guys,” I start to follow Niccolo out the door. “I’ll see you both soon.” 

“See ya!” Sasha waves to me as Connie gives me a salute. 

____________________________________________________________________________

The drive back to my Mom’s seems much shorter than the drive to the hospital. That doesn’t mean my mind isn’t an absolute mess, though. We get there in a pretty short amount of time, and I meet Niccolo outside the car.

“Damn, I feel like I haven't been here in forever.”

“I felt that too, yesterday,” I scuff my shoes on the ground. “It fades pretty quickly.” 

“Hey, man,” He looks up at me. “Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll forgive you.” 

I look away from his gaze, “Lets just give my mom her keys and get out of here.” He follows me as I walk up to the door and ring the doorbell, waiting to be greeted by my mom.

The door opens in front of us and immediately, I hear the repercussions of my actions. “Jean! What were you thinking?” 

Niccolo gives a little wave, “Hey, Mrs. Kirstein.” 

“Oh, Niccolo! It’s so good to see you, sweetie.” She takes his hand then quickly returns her gaze back to me. “Can you slap my son in the head? Maybe he’ll gain some more sense.” 

“Mom, I’m sorry,” I continue to scuff my shoes on the porch this time. “I was freaking out about Marco.” 

Her face softens, “I see, how’s Connie?” 

“He’s alright,” Niccolo answers for me. “We got to go see him after this so we have to get going soon.” I send Niccolo a smile, trying to thank him for getting us a ticket to leave. 

“Here are your keys,” I drop them in her hand. “Did, Armin say anything before he left?” 

“Not really,” She pauses, trying to think for a moment. “Poor thing was really shaken up. His eyes were all red.” My heart sinks. Did I really do that? After all he’s done for me, I can’t simply let him come with me to see someone he’s obviously worried about, too? 

“Well, we’ll see you Mrs. Kirstein,” He flashes my Mom a grin. “Oh, and thanks for the leftovers!” 

“Oh, it’s no problem!” Niccolo did always have some sort of charm to him. “Let me know if you guys need anything.” She waves to us and shuts the door. 

“Thanks,” I kick his leg. 

“Don’t worry about it, let's get back.” 

____________________________________________________________________________

The ride back to the hospital is pretty quiet, just the sounds of the radio silently playing in the back, some sort of classical music. That is until, the silence is broken by the buzz of my phone. I scramble to pick it up, greeted by a response from Armin. 

_ It’s okay, i’m fine.  _

“Who is that?” Niccolo asks, trying not to look over.

“It’s Armin.” 

“He responded? What did he say?” 

“It’s okay, I’m fine,” I recite to him. 

“That’s it?” He winces. “Does he usually text like that?” 

“No,” My throat clogs up. I send him a text back, quickly. 

_ do you want to do something today? Connie is alright it turns out.  _

_ No it’s okay, im busy please dont _

_ come by. _

“What did he say now?”

“He said he’s busy,” I grip my phone so hard, I worry I might crack it. 

“Maybe you might just have to wait a bit,” He says in a gentle tone, probably trying not to upset me. 

“Hey, Niccolo,” I say, my eyes staring out the window. “Can you drop me off at the dorms? I can walk back to the hospital there’s just- something I need to get.” 

“Yeah, I can always come get you. Don’t be afraid to ask.”

“Thanks,” I say, then spend the rest of the car ride in quiet, once again. 

____________________________________________________________________________

After Niccolo drops me off, I find myself wandering around campus, an empty feeling in my chest. I consider texting Armin, but I’m afraid of bothering him, or making him hate me even more. There are so many things I’m scared of happening. Why did I have to screw up like this? He was such a good thing in my life. He cared so much about me, and I cared about him. Maybe the guy in my dream was right. Maybe I didn’t actually care about him, I was just convincing myself I did. 

I stop in my tracks. I guess I wondered around a little too much, cause now I’m face to face with the bench where I first met him. The day I was having a panic attack, the day I was supposed to meet a new tutor. I really didn’t deserve him, huh. My eyes start to burn a little, but I push back the tears and take a seat, trying to take everything in. My eyes are fixed on the ground, trying to stop any tears from falling out. 

“Hey, horse face,” A very recognizable voice calls out to me and two different pair of shoes enter my vision. 

I look up to see both Eren and Mikasa standing in front of me, their expressions blank. “What do you want?” I ask, frantically wiping my eyes. 

“Armin’s sad,” Mikasa announces, triggering another set of tears from my eyes.

“I know,” I look back down. “It’s my fault.” 

Eren chuckles, “I told him you were an egotistical bastard.” I don’t respond, because he’s right. I just made everything worse for him, he was way too good for me. “But,” He starts again. “You are an egotistical bastard who Armin seems to like.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! the story is coming up to a wrap soon! Im sorry this chapter was a bit boring but! Im excited to finish up the last couple of chapters!! thank you all for reading <3


	19. Chapter 19

“What are you talking about?” I look at them trying to make some sort of sense out of their words, but their faces remain a blank slate. 

“Don’t make me spell it out for you,” He snarls.

“Well, excuse me,” My tears are completely gone now, all that’s left is anger. Second stage of grief? Or I just fucking hate this guy. “I can’t help that I can’t read what’s going on in that tiny mind of yours.” 

“You know what?” He points at me. “I came here to help and I could easily just leave right now.” He looks away for a second but then quickly looks back, “Right now.” 

“Whatever, I don’t need anything from you.” Yeah, I do. Maybe Armin will listen to him about something, but it’s not like I need him to know that. 

“Okay horse face, I don’t need this from you.” He makes an effort to dramatically turn around but is quickly stopped by Mikasa. 

“Eren,” She pulls her face back into the red scarf around her neck. “For Armin.” 

“Stupid, Armin,” He mutters under his breath and turns around. 

“Hey,” I yell at him. “Don’t say that.” 

“Oh you’re such a good person now?” 

“Stop,” Mikasa lays her hand on his shoulder. “Jean, come back to the dorm with us.” 

“What?” I stand up, my one hand wrapped around my arm. 

“For Armin.”

“Yeah,” I eventually give in and just follow them like an obedient dog. As much as I don’t want to do this, maybe they really can help me with Armin. And that’s kinda all I want right now.

“So what did you do to him?” Eren asks in a rude tone, like he’s just trying to make me regret more.

“I,” I start but have to take a second. It hurts saying it out loud a lot more than it is inside my head. “I left him alone at my Mom’s with no car. And shot him down when he offered to help. By yelling.” 

“Real nice of you, numbskull.” 

“I don’t see you being any better!” I can’t help but raise my voice at him. 

He stops in his tracks and turns around, facing me. “I don’t think I abandoned my boyfriend in a time of need,” His face is angry.

“Yeah,” I look away from him. “You’re right.” The worst part is that he is, and I can’t even say anything to him. No matter how you phrase it, I was an asshole. 

“Whatever,” He sucks his teeth, then turns back around, starting to walk forward again. “I'm sure we can do something about it, not like I want too.” His ears turn red. Maybe him and Armin have that in common? 

“Is Armin at the dorm?” I bite my lip, “Are you sure it’s okay to just bring me there? I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.”

“Yes,” Mikasa starts, making no effort to slow down and have a conversation. “It will be okay. I believe he misses you.” 

My face gets hot, but I can’t help feeling guilty. “I don’t know,” do I really deserve him? Maybe he would be better off without me.

“Damn horse face! Just let us do this!” His hair almost falls out of the bun as he spins around to me.

“O-okay,” I make the wise decision and shut up. I really don’t know what they think they could possibly do to take back what I did, but I really want it to work. 

For a bit the walk is quiet, only the sequence of our steps on the pavement. It’s definitely getting colder out, everyone around us is bundled in layers, Eren seems like be fine in a thin jacket he’s wearing, but Mikasa seems to retreat into the scarf she always wears. I watch as Eren and Mikasa walk in rhythm, their steps perfectly timed together. 

“You guys have known each other a while, yeah?” I break the silence with a question. 

“Yes,” Mikasa covers her nose with her scarf. “Since we were little. Both me and Armin lost our parents so we took a lot of closure with Eren’s.” I don’t know what to say to that, so I just stay quiet. She lost her parents too? I’m glad they all found each other, but thinking about it really pains me. 

“Mikasa,” Eren shoots back. “You didn’t have to tell him all that.” She just shrugs, and the walk continues in stillness. 

____________________________________________________________________________

When we eventually approach the door to their dorm, Eren turns around to me, his hands in fists. “So here’s the plan,” he starts. “We are gonna go in there and call him out, then you jump out and apologize. Spilling out your heart to him, then bam! All better.”

What? “Are you serious?”

He looks clueless, “What’s up?”

“That’s your plan?” I bark.

“Yeah, that’s what me and Mikasa came up with.” I look over at Mikasa for some support, but she just nods along with him.

“Are you serious? Your big plan is for me to go in there and talk to him? I could have done that myself!”

“You go in there and talk to him, plus you spill out your feelings.”

“That doesn’t improve it at all! I could have done all this myself!”

“But you didn’t.” Shit, I didn’t. “That’s what I thought,” He turns around, leaving my appalled face behind him. “You ready? I’m gonna open the door.”

“Just give me a second,” what am I gonna say? Hey, Armin, I’m sorry I was a dick, I really miss you I hope you forgive me. No, that fucking sucks. 

“Took too long,” He doesn’t wait for me and opens the door, waltzing in. “Armin!” He calls out. “We’re back!” We wait a bit, but we get no response. “Armin, we brought Pizza!”

My stomach grumbles at the thought, “Did you really?”

Mikasa looks over, her face completely neutral, “No. I’ll take a look around for him.” 

“That’s strange,” Eren says, once we’re alone. “He usually jumps out to come see us.” 

A thousand possibilities fill my hand, unfortunately, the worst ones up front. “Do you think he’s okay?” 

Before he has the chance to answer, Mikasa comes back into the room. “He’s not here,” panic tries to break through my body, but seeing Eren and Mikasa so calm helps. 

“Where do you think he could be?” I ask, trying to sound as normal as possible.

Eren puts his fingers up to his chin, another thing that both him and Armin do. “I’m not sure, Mikasa did he leave any notes or anything?” 

“No.”

“Does he do this a lot?” 

Eren looks at me, his finger scratching his chin. “Not really, I can’t really think of anywhere he would want to go. The library maybe?” 

“Perhaps he went outside somewhere,” She suggests.

Outside? I straighten up, “I think I know where he is.” 

“You do?” Eren looks impressed. “You should go see him.” 

I start to get to the door, but I quickly realize Eren and Mikasa aren’t following me. “Are you guys coming?” 

“You should go by yourself,” Mikasa looks at me, her cheeks look like their slightly lifted up under her scarf.

“Are you guys, sure? I’m sure he would like to see you and I don’t know if he wants to see my alone-”

“Just go before we change our mind, asshole.”

“Y-yeah,” I run to the door, but take one look back before running out. “Thanks.” 

____________________________________________________________________________

He’s right where I thought he was. He’s sitting criss-crossed in the grass, the wind gently blowing his hair in the same direction as the leaves flying through the sky. The sun bounces off him, highlighting his golden hair, such a nice color. He stares at the sky, no motion in sight. It was right here in this spot where I sat with him, and told him my story for the first time. 

“Are you cold?” I sit down next to him, giving him enough space where he is comfortable. 

“No, I’m alright.” He doesn’t look my way, just continues to stare up at the sky as the wind gently blows his hair. 

“That’s good,” my heart beats loudly in my chest. How did I manage to hurt him this bad? I really fucked this up, huh. “Have you been alright?” I say, without thinking.

“Yes,” Is all he answers with. His head is still in place. 

“I’m sorry,” I grip the grass below me, dirt escaping into my fingernails. “I know I was an ass that night. I said things that were awful, and even thinking back on it makes me mad at myself.” 

“It’s okay,” He finally moves his head to look down at the ground, tying the grass into little knots. 

“No, it really isn’t.” I hug my knees to my chest, “I said things that hurt you. And even though I didn’t mean it, it doesn't change the fact that I said them. Nothing can change that fact now.” My throat clogs up a bit, but I keep talking despite the inconvenience. “I took things out on you that I shouldn’t have. I was so worried about myself that I didn’t even stop to think if you were worried about me, or even worried about Connie. I was being selfish.”

“Do you like me?” He looks over to me for the first time in a while, and we are able to make eye contact. His eyes are watery and red, like he’s been crying for a bit now. 

“Of course I do,” I reply immediately. “I like you a lot?” 

“I’m sorry,” He breaks eye contact and goes back to playing with the severed blades of grass.

“Don’t be sorry,” I want to reach over and grab him, tell him everything will be okay in my arms, but I hold myself back. I’m sure that isn’t what he wants right now. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

“I don’t think you should be with me, I can’t do anything for you.” He sniffles and wipes his eyes on his sleeve. “All I can do is try to provide support, and that’s not enough.”

“Armin, it is enough.” Has he been mad at himself this whole time? “I don’t know what I would be doing without you right now, probably rotting in my bedroom. You have done so much more for me then you give yourself credit for.” 

“Jean, I don’t deserve to be with you. I can’t do anything for you, I’ll just be a bother for you.”

“Are you kidding me?” I almost scoff. “It’s the opposite. You are smart and kind, great around people, willing to help a random person you met on a bench, and that random person on the bench so happens to be very thankful about that.” I look at him, despite my eye contact not being met. “And that random person on the bench wants you to know he loves you very much.” 

He looks at me for a second, but his eyes dart away the second we meet. “I love the random person on the bench too. But I don’t think he has to settle for someone like me.” 

“I don’t know,” I smile at him, moving my hand closer to where he’s fiddling in the ground. “I think he told me he doesn’t think that, and he wants to be with you.” I grab his hand and he resists at first, keeping his fingers straight out. He shortly decides differently and closes his fingers atop of mine, squeezing tightly. 

“I’m glad he feels that way.” I move closer to him, letting him lean his head onto my shoulder, our hands still clasped in between us. His arms are full of chills, but it feels like he quickly warms up next to me. 

“Is the guy from the bench okay with staying out here for a little bit?” 

“I heard from him that he owes you some time in the grass anyway. Something about you being a really good popcorn catcher.” 

“You know, I do remember something like that.”


	20. Epilogue

“Mrs. Kirstein!” I hear Sasha scream from the other room. “Your food is so good!”

“Oh Sasha! I’m flattered!” 

“I’m not,” I can hear Niccolo retort, followed by a slapping noise and a yelp coming from him.

“It is quite good,” Mikasa says, footsteps make noise outside the door like she’s moving towards them. 

“Hey, are you okay?” I look to my side to see Armin, his hands making their way to wrap around my arm. “You’re just kind of staring off into space with a smile on your face.” 

“Oh, I didn’t realize,” I automatically reach my hand to cover my face, but it just makes me smile more. 

“Don’t be sorry,” He smiles as well while squeezing my arm. “It suits your face.”

“I can say the same to you,” the feeling of his hand on my arms puts me at ease, as I allow myself to lean onto him. His hair gets messed up under the pressure of my shoulder, but he doesn’t seem to mind. 

“Shut up Eren!” I hear a muffled Connie from downstairs. “My acne wasn’t that bad!”

“Do you think they’re all getting along okay?” I worry a bit at the thought of an argument.

“Hmm,” He makes an effort to look like he’s really thinking. “Sounds like they are.”

“Why did we take everyone here again?”

“To celebrate your history grade!” 

I sigh a little bit, “All I did was not fail the class.” 

“Which is cause for celebration!” 

“Whatever,” I look away from him, trying to hide my gratitude. 

“Hey,” He pokes at me, alerting me to sit up and look at his face. “I’m proud of you!” He gives me another smile, making my heart skip multiple beats in my chest. 

“T-thanks,” I consider looking away again, but I figure I might as well keep looking at his face. I’ve earned something, according to him. “I wouldn’t have even passed without you, you know. I think you deserve a party too.” 

“I think I’d be satisfied with just this.” He leans up to me and lays a small kiss on the tip of my nose, leaving me red. 

“That’s really what you're content with?” 

“Yup!” I respond by kissing his forehead, but before I know it, I’m kissing every part of his face as he laughs in the background. 

“Jean! What is taking you so long up there?” I jump up from the sound of my Mom’s voice, taking my lips away from Armin’s cheek. 

“I guess we should go down, huh?” He looks up to me, his ears all red and his hair all messed up.

“One second,” I pull him into a hug, his face placed right at my chest. “I just want to do this first.” 

“I will oblige,” He wraps his arms around me as I rest my chin on the top of his head, allowing my eyes to close for a bit. 

“Jean!” I hear Connie yell. “Hurry up!”

“Yeah,” Eren agrees from downstairs. “It's rude to keep your Mom waiting!”

“We should really go now,” He laughs.

I give him one last squeeze then take him towards the stairs, where we are greeted with all our friends. Sasha and Niccolo both surround my Mom in the kitchen, as Eren and Connie argue about something in the living room. Mikasa hovers around Eren, but her expression makes me think she’s enjoying herself. Our steps alert them of our presence, but the first person to react is Connie.

“Yo! What took you guys so long!” 

Eren rolls his eyes at me, “Probably something gross.” 

I open my mouth to say something, but am beaten to the point by Mikasa. “Stop it, Eren,” She lays her hand on his shoulder. 

“We were just chatting about something real quick,” Armin tries to answer, but nothing can hide the red tint in his ears. Based on Eren’s face, I’m sure he noticed. 

“Jean and Armin are down!” Sasha notices us. She starts to poke my Mom’s arm, “Let’s eat now!”

“Calm down,” Niccolo laughs next to her. “It won’t go anywhere.” 

“It won’t go anywhere, but it could get in my stomach much quicker.” 

“Alright, everyone sit!” My Mom calls out, quickly bringing us all to the table. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Kirstein,” Armin says to her before he takes a seat. 

“How many times do I have to say this?” She looks at him. “No need to thank me for anything!”

“Much more polite than your son,” Eren mumbles. 

“Damn, Jean,” Connie puts his fist to his mouth. “That hurt.”

“That reminds me,” Mom turns around to look at Connie while placing things on the table. “How are you healing?” 

“I’m all good!” He flexes his muscles and gives a big grin. “In fact, I think my body healed stronger than it was before.” 

Mikasa stares at him, eyeing him up and down. “I don’t think so.” That triggers a flood of laughter from Niccolo, which spreads to me as well.

“Come on!” He looks over to Armin, “What do you think, Armin? Do I look more buff?” 

Armin looks around for some sort of help, but eventually speaks himself. “Yeah, I think so?” He starts to pull on his collar. 

“You see that, Mikasa?” He winks at her. “Buffer.” 

She pulls her scarf over her nose, “Armin, we are having a talk about this later.” 

“You look great, Connie,” My Mom comes and lays a cake on the table, patting Connie’s head as she walks past. “Well, Jeanie, it’s all yours.” 

Eren snickers, “Jeanie?”

“Shut it!” I yell at him. “Um, do I have to give like, a speech?” 

“Yep, we’re all waiting,” Niccolo looks at me, his cheek resting on his palm. “Break it down, Kirstein.” 

“Well, thanks for everything.”

“That sucked.” 

“Well, what do you want me to do! Let out all of my emotions? Oh thank you guys so much you mean the absolute world to me, I don’t know what I would do without you!”

“Was that so hard?”

“That was sarcastic!” 

“I think Marco would be really happy right now,” Connie says, completely changing the mood. “Sorry, I know it’s off topic.”

“No, you’re right,” I respond. He is right isn’t he? Marco, our friend. He would be glad we are doing this right now. He would be proud of me.

“He is really happy,” Sasha adds. “I know he is.” 

“Yeah,” I smile at her. Our best friend, Marco, is happy. He’s proud of us, I know it.

“You sure are happy today,” Armin searches for my hand under the table and interlocks our fingers, his hands warm. 

“I am, yeah,” My face turns red, and for a second I try to hide it.

“Hey, don’t be embarrassed,” He squeezes my hand under the table. “It’s good.”

“It is.” I didn’t think it was possible for my smile to get any wider, but it does. “Thanks.”

“No need to thank me, I’m always here for you.” He’s always here for me. Those words repeat themselves over and over again in my head. Armin is here.

“Cake time?” Sasha asks.

“Yeah,” I nod to her. “Cake time.” 

“Wait!” My mom stops us and rummages through her pockets to grab her phone. “I want to get a picture of you all first!”

“Mom, you couldn’t have done that the whole time we’ve been sitting here?”

“Shut your mouth!” She shushes me. “Everyone stand around them!”

Before I know it, everyone is up and posing around me, Connie, Sasha, and Niccolo behind me, while Eren and Mikasa stand behind Armin. 

“Connie,” Sasha complains. “You’re blocking me!”

“It’s my muscles, not me.” 

“How could something that’s not there be blocking you?” Mikasa returns, Niccolo laughs at her joke again. 

“Alright everyone,” My Mom brings her phone up to her face. “Say cheese!”

Everyone around me poses in unison, all happy to be here. I’m surrounded by people who care about me, people who I care about too. People who are here for me when I need them. A warm feeling buzzes in my chest as Armin does a peace sign for the picture besides me. His hair is still messed up, but he doesn’t care. He’s happy. He’s happy to be here with us. And I’m happy to be here with him. My smile stays big as I hear my Mom take the picture, and everyone immediately branches off to go see. 

“Aw, I’m blinking!” Connie yells. “Take another one!”

“No, I look good in this,” Niccolo argues. 

“Do you wanna go see the picture?” I look to see Armin still besides me, his hand back in mine.

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. “Yeah, let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! I want to thank every single one of you for reading my story and supporting me in so many different ways! I had a lot of fun writing this and I do hope that everyone liked it! Thank you for reading:)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic!! I know the characters are a bit ooc but this is kinda self indulgent pftt. feel free to leave any comments or criticism!! Thank you for reading :)


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